Walter FTW

walter ftw has moved.

2010-09-21T17:38:00.000-05:00

The new site is There Are No Fours over at Tumblr, and it's basically the exact same thing except I keep up with it and it's easy to read.

i'm not lost, but i don't know where i am.

2010-09-08T22:56:00.003-05:00

(I realize that, after a month-long absence, I should probably be bringing a little more heat than a college football recap. That's not the case, but then again Welsh corgis.)

LSU's victory* over North Carolina was, shall we say, underwhelming. As with last year, the most obviously frustrating issue was offensive coaching. Gary Crowton, as Paul Crewe at ATVS noted, can design some very pretty plays. Unfortunately, his implementation in-game is lacking both strategically and tactically, and I don't know how satisfied I am (to say nothing of the perpetually-scowling Jordan Jefferson) with the "Don't make the same mistakes as 2008" excuse.

Specific complaints:

--Crowton's playcalling went into a shell in the second half, and playing Tressellball (the Prevent Offense) with an undersized offensive line is a recipe for disaster. I obviously don't blame Crowton for the fumbles that resulted from his/Miles' power running strategy, but I question the decision to run isos and speed options against hyped-up future NFL outside linebackers who would like nothing more than to a) strip the ball and do obscene things with it and b) leave our running backs outlined in chalk.

--Despite having a trio of speedy, versatile receivers (all of whom, it should be noted, appear to be capable blockers on the perimeter), we didn't balance our power plays with many sweeps. Shep's long touchdown run came on a sweep, but Crowton didn't utilize the jet sweep in pre-snap motion to confuse UNC's green defense afterward, let alone run any more actual sweeps. In fact, he very rarely took advantage of UNC's inexperience; power runs only set up the most obvious play actions, and using Terrence Toliver as a drag-and-slant specialist instead of a deep threat seriously limited the offense.

--Stevan Ridley, whose main qualification for starting at running back appears to be the fact that he looks like one in Les Miles' brain, isn't a bad player. When you consider the fact that he's a decent enough receiver and blocker, I'd say he's above average. What he isn't, though, is a workhorse. It would be silly of me to point to Richard Murphy (underwhelming in his return) or Mike Ford (untested) as viable replacements, but this seems like a much more sensible year to platoon than last year.

I've come to expect at least a little offensive ineptitude from LSU, though; what was really disappointing was the abundance of defensive errors from Chavis and the players. I don't blame Chavis for the overall underwhelming defensive performance, which can be explained by two busted coverages and young players unready to put a team away (or consistently make tackles, apparently). Blitzing Patrick Peterson (on a night when he was struggling with cramps) and stubbornly sticking with quarters coverage over the top, though, really bothered me. I think Chavis' defense will eventually work once the players are more seasoned, but it was obvious that guys like Mo Claiborne and Brandon Taylor were shaken up, and Chavis didn't adjust until they'd been repeatedly burned.

All that said, I thought there were plenty of positives to take away from the game. Peterson annihilated UNC's special teams, and remained Patrick Peterson on defense; Drake Nevis clearly confused TJ Yates and the interior of UNC's o-line for delicious babies, and his penetration at the point of attack will be critical for the D's success against the run this season; Tyrann Mathieu played extremely well in his first game; Kelvin Sheppard, despite missing a few tackles and occasionally being a step off in coverage, generally bailed out (and organized) the rest of the defense. On offense, Jordan Jefferson played admirably and dealt with pressure far better than last year; Ramgod and Shep are total badasses when Gary Crowton deigns to allow it; and the left side of the offensive line was gorgeous.

I still think LSU can compete this year, assuming that the black marks attached to this game (particularly on defense, e.g. tackling) are rooted more in jitters than in real deficiencies. What probably won't improve, however, is offensive coaching, and that fact alone could keep us from winning the conference even with an elite defense.

Elsewhere in football:

--God almighty, the backlash against Boise St. aggravates me. I understand that they don't play in the SEC, but it's not their fault that they're still in the WAC. They schedule strong out-of-conference opponents, and proved against TCU and Virginia Tech that they can beat good teams in conventional fashion. Their offense is immaculate, and it's a blast to watch Kellen Moore orchestrate it; the defense has gotten a lot less interesting with the departure of Kyle Wilson, but it still gets the job done. If Boise ends up in the national championship game, I won't complain, largely because I think the SEC will be represented regardless.

--My tolerance for Boise has a lot more to do with my status as an SEC supremacist than it does with any Phil Steele-esque objectivity; I think that college football is, like ancient Persia, a democracy of one, and that it'll remain that way until the SEC is dramatically unseated. A good example of a "Big 6" conference underperforming: the Big 12. The mighty Utah St. Aggies kept it hilariously close with Oklahoma, Kansas lost to North Dakota State, and Texas, particularly the running game, struggled against Rice. I'm not equating the Big 12 with the WAC by any means, but generally speaking the Big 6 conferences are either top-heavy aristocracies or league-wide mediocrity. Boise and the WAC may take it farther than some, but it's no more ridiculous for Boise to be considered for the Mythical National Championship than, say, West Virginia.

--I'll postpone jumping on the Michigan bandwagon until their defense proves something against a non-shambolic offense. Michigan could still be a good team -- and for the sake of the college football landscape, I hope they are -- but Michigan fans should know better than to get too excited this early in the season. See also: Notre Dame, Auburn.

--I know Florida won't be as ridiculously discombobulated as they were against Miami of Ohio when they start playing SEC competition. I also know that they'll still have Steve Addazio calling their plays, and what Gary Crowton can do to the West Coast offense, Addazio can easily do to the Meyer-Mullen spread option.

--When I saw the score (and the fact that the Florida offense generated under 20 yards in the first half against the vaunted Miami of Ohio defense), I couldn't help but watch the rest of the game while alternating between schadenfreude and unease for an SEC ally. You know who didn't inspire that same ambiguity in me? I couldn't love it more, Rebs.

Some predictions for next week's orgy of big games:

Florida St. at Oklahoma: I'm not putting a lot of stock into Florida State's trouncing of Samford, because God invented the first week of the college football season for good, old fashioned trouncings. I'm more concerned by Landry Jones' struggles against Utah State, especially considering that his M.O. last season was to light up bad teams and go into a shell against the better defenses. I'm not predicting a great defensive showing from Florida State, but Jimbo Fisher's offense should be more than able to torch Oklahoma's young corners and command the game. Even with more heroics from DeMarco Murray, Florida State wins, 35-24.

Penn St. at Alabama: It's impossible to gauge these teams from their Week 1 blowouts, but even with a green secondary and Dareus and Ingram out, my money's on Bama against a freshman QB. Evan Royster is a good back, but Alabama's linebacking corps is spectacular. Meanwhile, I think Penn State's replacing too much talent on their defense to withstand a now-veteran Alabama offense. Playing at home against an overmatched team, Bama cruises, 31-13.

Miami at Ohio St.: We're being treated to arguably the biggest game of the season on Saturday afternoon, and I hope everyone tunes in. Both units have elite talent on either side of the ball, but ultimately I like how Miami matches up with the Buckeyes on defense: a great speed rusher, Olivier Vernon, against an unsettled left tackle situation; a monstrous run blocker, JB Shugarts, against an actual monster, Allen Bailey; and one of the best, most aggressive secondaries in the nation against a tentative, ball-control passing game. The most intriguing matchup has to be weakside backer Sean Spence, a tremendously instinctive and talented player, possibly spying Terrelle Pryor and limiting his mobility. I don't think Miami's offense, particularly its run game, is going to light up Ohio State's stacked defense, but Jacory Harris and co. should put up enough points to upset the Buckeyes in the Horseshoe. Miami wins 24-20; Dade County goes ham.

*Something like that.

one day it'll take, and they'll start to make shirts that fit right.

2010-07-30T17:00:00.003-05:00

BREAKING: Chris Paul is tired of this shit.

--First, the pressing sports news of all our lifetimes: Chris Paul possibly (but not really) getting traded from New Orleans. I was going to address this in a separate post, but I had serious doubts that Paul was going to be moved before the start (or end) of next season -- he's simply too valuable, and of all the teams on his supposed wish list, only the Lakers could really send anything back worth the Hornet FO's while. It could still happen, and I'd understand Paul's reasons for leaving; it is unlikely that he'll be in championship contention in NOLA, the team should have told him about trading Tyson Chandler and firing Byron Scott, and he does play for one of the worst owners in the NBA.

That said, these are problems with fairly clear remedies if Paul's willing to look long-term. And it goes without saying that the front office can't trade Paul; he's one of the only draws for a team that's hemorrhaging money. It's highly likely that a Paul-less Hornets organization folds within the next few years. Again, I understand where Paul's coming from. The only aspect of this that I really hate is LeBron's obvious influence, even if it's only the influence of the precedent the Heat set. It's entirely possible that I'll write a Comic Sans-laced tirade if Paul does leave (and be mocked by Chili's accordingly), but for the moment, at least, I can feign objectivity.

--Which begs the question: what sort of fan does that make me? Am I more reasonable (or empathetic) for seeing things Paul's way, or just detached? John Morgan, proprietor of the excellent Field Gulls Seahawks blog, made a list of typical Seattle sports fans, which I think apply just about anywhere. I know I've got plenty of Nerd in me, to go along with a little Loyalist. That said, I have an existential dread of finding out that I'm actually a Frasier.

--To take things in a pretty different direction, I spent a lot of the last three weeks watching the first two seasons of Dexter on Netflix. Take Michael C. Hall and his excellent voiceover out of the equation, and you've got a substandard police procedural. With Hall, though -- and the great character development you see for Dexter (and seemingly nobody else) -- the show becomes one of the most consistently entertaining on television. Did I mention that I like Michael C. Hall? Because I do. He's really funny, and scary. Everyone else I could pretty much take or leave, especially Jennifer Carpenter as Dexter's annoying younger sister; in addition to whiny lines, her character comes equipped with crippling self-doubt, and the show seemingly takes great pains to justify it.

--I know I reference the Onion's AV Club a lot on this here blog (a classic Frasier move), but I feel compelled to share two of the funniest things I've read in the past month: Scott Tobias's indignant, disgusted review of Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (to quote the review's firstie, there's really nothing like a Tobias F), and Sean O'Neal's surreal take on the state of Kenny G's gradual ascension to the position of Intergalactic Space Emperor. I've come to really enjoy O'Neal's contributions to the AV Club, by the way; his headlines alone are comedy gold. At the very least, they're uncut comedy China White.

--I suddenly have a powerful urge to attend a Swedish police academy.

--I saw Inception again yesterday, and I'll try to have a review up pretty soon. Also on the docket: reviews of The National's High Violet, The Jesus and Mary Chain's Psychocandy, and Interpol's Turn on the Bright Lights.

--Finally, I was discussing the Redskins with a friend of mine on Facebook, and it occurred to me that I could do team previews for the upcoming football season on (at least) the Saints, Colts, Redskins, Chiefs, and LSU Tigers (who, by the way, had the best recruiting photo of the year last year and are in contention this year). Would anyone be interested in me doing one (or any) of those?

--Thanks for reading.

let's call me a baptist, call this a drowning of the past.

2010-07-28T15:49:00.004-05:00

In Frightened Rabbit's breakout second LP, The Midnight Organ Fight, frontman and songwriter Scott Hutchison confessed his struggles with depression and alcoholism in, to use his language, "brutal" and "oppressive" detail. For all its glumness, though, The Midnight Organ Fight is still a remarkably honest, exciting album; its combination of earnest vocals, dire subject matter, and propulsive folk-pop reminded me of Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, only without some of the consistency and nuances of design and theme that made that album so singularly great. To invite the comparison at all is about as high a compliment as I can pay a record.

Having said that, I think that The Winter of Mixed Drinks, Frightened Rabbit's 2010 follow-up, is even better. Give the record's first four tracks -- its best -- a listen; if you're not hooked, then I don't think I want to know you. The band, centered around Scott Hutchison and his brother Grant on drums, expanded its sound considerably from The Midnight Organ Fight, which leaned a little more heavily on the folk part of the folk-pop equation. The addition of Make Model's Gordon Skene, along with Scott Hutchison's changing sensibilities, help weigh Winter decidedly in the opposite direction; even with the added shoegaze elements and the percussive stomp from the band's roots in Scottish folk, each one of those first four songs is unabashed, anthemic pop.

Accompanying a somewhat more accessible musical style is a relatively more optimistic outlook on life. The Midnight Organ Fight was a breakup album in the vein of Beck's Sea Change, a remarkably detailed look at Hutchison's misery from beginning to end. The Winter of Mixed Drinks listens like a self-help record by comparison; the dominant theme of The Midnight Organ Fight was trying to understand or to even accept pain, and The Winter of Mixed Drinks, with its nautical imagery, is about fighting it. "Swim Until You Can't See Land" is about an act of desperation as much as anything else; the narrator has to take to the sea lest his myriad worries back home overtake him. Sure, he might drown (as the reprise "Man/Bag of Sand" implies) but at least he's given himself a fighting chance.

No, The Winter of Mixed Drinks couldn't be called a happy album, but it is, relatively speaking, optimistic. "Nothing Like You" and "Living in Colour" detail more practical ways of getting over the breakup that spurred on The Midnight Organ Fight: new relationships. "Foot Shooter" is a hopeful anthem (go figure) about how to get past the drunken fights that sunk Hutchison's relationships past. As the album's subdued conclusion, "Yes I Would," notes: even though "the loss of a lonely man never makes much of a sound...I just can't sink now." Compared to the gloomy reflection of I See a Darkness, the despairing anger of The Moon and Antarctica, and the childlike escapism of In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, that's downright uplifting.

The album does have a few flaws; a song or two in its middle, especially the inelegant "Skip the Youth," are somewhat forgettable. Perhaps more notably, the pop transition comes saddled with a bit of overproduction, and that sonic cleanliness is kind of jarring after the raw sound of the band's last record. But unlike Pitchfork, I don't think that the change in sound has cost the band anything in terms of authenticity; Frightened Rabbit is still on a par with -- or even surpasses -- Arcade Fire and TV On the Radio in terms of emotional resonance.

If my complaints seem a bit muted, it's because I'm just that taken with this album. Between its unique message (in indie music, anyways) of rising up to meet life's challenges instead of being crushed beneath them, its pop sensibility, and Hutchison's soaring vocals and consistently great lyrics, The Winter of Mixed Drinks is sauntering right down my alley. I'd like to be more objective about the record, but simply put, I love it unreservedly. Ladies and gentlemen, the top spot of my Top 10 Albums of Fiscal Year 2010 officially has a frontrunner.

Grade: A

meaningless? you mean it's all been meaningless?

2010-07-15T18:08:00.004-05:00

My best friend in elementary school was Matt McAnnally, and our friendship was, like those of many children our age, rooted in a mutual appreciation of Tekken and Animorphs. In spite of those time-tested foundations, however, our relationship flagged and sputtered once we went to middle school. One day, sitting on the opposite side of the bus from Matt, an older kid sat down next to me and said, “So, you guys aren’t friends anymore? He’s acting too cool for you now, I guess, hanging out with other kids.”

I was awestruck. This person, a complete stranger, had diagnosed the unspoken seed of discontent nestled in the heart of my friendship with Matt. I was impressed not only with his perspicacity but also with the fact that, upon reflection, maybe my experience wasn’t unique, wasn’t special. Maybe our story was just like everyone else’s.

Listening to 69 Love Songs by The Magnetic Fields—the concept album brainchild of songwriter Stephin Merritt—gave me that same feeling, making me wonder if there was an emotion that couldn’t be encapsulated in a three-minute pop song. The titular love songs are really songs about love songs, about the craft and inherent dishonesty involved in trying to write a love song for mass digestion. There are a few you can point to that might be sincere, but by and large they’re clever, irreverent, funny metafiction.

The best song on the album, “The Death of Ferdinand de Saussure,” works as a bit of a thesis statement for the other 68 songs. A hack songwriter runs into Ferdinand de Saussure (a philosopher of linguistics and semiotics), and, infuriated by the intellectual’s challenge to his facile understanding of love, shoots him dead. The narrator says it’s for Holland-Dozier-Holland, the songwriting trio behind Motown such hits as “Stop! In the Name of Love” and “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)”. Merritt’s point is clear: the mass-produced ditties of Motown (and pop in general), even those of its greatest practitioners, can’t afford to be complex, thoughtful, or even sincere.

And he presents the rest of the album as evidence. It dissects songs about all different types of love, from the ideal to the passionate to the erotic, throwing in easy rhymes and clever twists to show that Merritt both understands and deliberately challenges the conventions of the songs he’s imitating. Although most of the album is snide, Merritt is even more caustic when he takes on the conventions of particular genres: reggae, soul, and (most hilariously, in my view) musicals are all mocked outright (along with plenty of others I couldn't find YouTube videos for). The album covers every crooked offshoot of pop music outside of hip-hop, while occasionally alluding to specific artists (New Order, Elton John, and Sonny and Cher, for instance) to demonstrate just how easy it is to recreate an ostensibly unique sound.

69 Love Songs raises important philosophical questions that generally aren't asked in pop culture. Are our feelings unique? Is it smart to get emotionally attached to songs that are, by design, generic enough for everyone to relate to? Does it matter that so much of what we listen to is as phony as horoscopes and cold reading, or do we transcend that insincerity by attaching our emotions and personal histories to those songs?

These are important questions to ponder, and they're unavoidable on songs as self-consciously playful and twisted as Merritt's. Even without its deeper metafictional aspects, however, this is a highly enjoyable album of immaculately crafted and produced pop music. I can't think of a single song in the bunch that's a total throwaway, but the unfortunate flip side of that is that there are only a couple of truly great songs. The project is ambitious and the concept it's tackling novel and complex, but 69 Love Songs is one of the most consistently successful concept albums you're liable to ever hear.

Grade: A-

all that i wanted was the freedom of a new life, so my burden i began to divest.

2010-07-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

Diplomacy is a board game similar to Risk, but without that special "realize one hour into the game that no one's having any fun" quality. The biggest difference is that there's really no element of chance; you can be tricked, certainly, but the little armies and navies on the board win or lose their battles because of math, not dice. Winning the game requires both an ability to cut deals and a keen understanding, as in chess, of the possible moves your opponent can make. You can backstab people, but you can only do it successfully if you understand the likely consequences of your actions.

Last night, during his interview with Michael Wilbon, LeBron James -- barely containing his excitement, eyes constantly darting offscreen -- looked like he'd made a power play for the ages.

Is it fair for Cleveland to feel betrayed, to play the part of the spurned lover? Certainly LeBron's method of delivering the news was historically cruel, narcissistic, even villainous -- his chances of being the NBA's savior died a brutally awkward, bizarre death last night on primetime television. But did he owe Cleveland six more years of servitude? To paraphrase Chris Brown, I wonder if the people who are so upset with LeBron leaving have always worked for the same employer.

James' first seven years were the best first seven years by any player in the history of the NBA, and he elevated a terrible franchise into the ranks of the NBA's elite. A la Wilt Chamberlain, LeBron, the sole reason for the Cavs' playoff runs during his tenure in Cleveland, also took the brunt of the blame for the team's inability to win a championship. Lest we forget, in the haze of the present backlash and his failures in the Boston series, James came as close to willing a team to a championship as any player has ever done last year; only Hakeem Olajuwon has ever logged a higher Player Efficiency Rating in a postseason.

There's no doubt that LeBron held the franchise hostage, especially since 2006. The Cavaliers FO had to cater to his every whim to an almost unprecedented degree. That said, there's a clear line of mistakes that explain James' departure. The team could have had Bosh two years ago, and didn't; they could have had Jason Kidd two years ago, and didn't; they could have had Amare Stoudemire this year, and didn't. Instead, James ended up with an inconsistent and undersized combo guard in Mo Williams, a terminally out-of-place Antawn Jamison, and the ghost of Shaquille O'Neal. The team consistently tried to assuage James' demands with the next-best solution, and they lost him as a result.

Was going to the Heat the right call, though?  There are dire questions about how to incorporate both LeBron and Wade, two high-usage guys who are mediocre jump shooters at best. Can a great shooter be had on the cheap to alleviate the waves of zone defense that will be facing the pair? Much of their success has come from running spread-out isolation plays, which could negate Bosh's value.  Speaking of Bosh, does anyone think he'll be able to run the pick-and-roll against Dwight Howard, Kevin Garnett, or Gasol/Bynum? Does he roam outside the post, or does he remain out of position at center? How does he begin to earn his contract?

There are just so many questions about this team, about the kinds of role players they can get to fill out the roster, about how they match up against the Magic, Celtics, and Lakers. As it's currently constituted, the 2010 Heat will have Bosh at center, a position he hates; LeBron at point forward, a position he hates; and Wade roaming off the ball, minimizing his talents. The Heat will be unstoppable on the fast break, but who knows about their half-court offense? The defense will be flashy, but who says it can't be outmuscled inside? It's a classic illustration of why center and point guard are the two most important positions in basketball. Even with those questions in the post and on the perimeter, though, it's a monstrosity in-between. If Spoelstra or Riley suddenly develop a hint of innovation, it could be legendary.

That said, it doesn't have to work for people to hate it. Oh yes, this team is marketable, perhaps the most marketable since Jordan's Bulls.  And again, like those Bulls, it'll come into next season attached to a colossal bandwagon. But the mockery of the system inherent in the construction of this team, along with "the Decision," gives this Big Three a shot at the Detroit Bad Boys' title of most hated team of all time. The All-Stars' decision to join forces couldn't have been worse for the Eastern Conference, either, which enters next season even more of a top-heavy joke than it was before.

And I promise you this: I will hate this team. I like Bosh -- he's a pretty funny guy, after all -- and I really like Wade, whose supernova talent has gone underappreciated in the thick mire of Miami mediocrity. But the overwhelming arrogance of it all, the collusion dating back to the Olympics, the re-emergence of the NBA's ultimate dirtbag, Pat Riley -- the possibilities for schadenfreude are limitless. If this abomination makes it to the NBA Finals and plays the Lakers, I'll root for the Lakers. Hell, I'd even root for the Jazz.  There's too much of the conservative gene in my makeup to accept something this brazen.

And LeBron James? He's waiting, breathless, to see if he and his friends' ploy is going to work out. Waiting to see if there's anything anyone can do to stop it. Waiting, like all of us, for the other shoe to drop.

you can't hear it on the radio, you can't hear it anywhere you go.

2010-07-07T21:50:00.003-05:00

--America's nightmare descent into socialism has been delayed -- for now. The Ghana game was tough to watch in both an agonizing and boring sort of way, and served as an especially fine example of the truism that Bob Bradley's greatest gift as a manager is correcting Bob Bradley's abundant tactical errors. Cherundolo (and Bradley, for that matter) was too tired to keep up his excellent form from the past few games, and Gooch Onyewu, rehabbing or not, was best equipped to deal with the size/speed combo Ghana offered.

--And may I note, for the record, that soccer is the last, best hope of "go harder, win better!" analysis? Baseball and football certainly suffer from it too, but there's at least the pretense of strategic analysis in those sports to go along with determining who does and does not have swagger (a term generally reserved for people of the natural athlete persuasion) or scrappiness (more appropriate for players of a fan favorite complexion). With soccer, it really is just, "[Player name]...GOAL!/Just wide." Or, if the announcer is the insufferable John Harkes, "THESE GUYS JUST NEED SOME HEART TO GO AND WIN OUT THERE!"

--In conclusion, the reason why America isn't more competitive in Ninja Warrior is that the best athletes in America are playing sports other than Ninja Warrior. Think about it, people!

--Speaking of athletic competitions that are superior to soccer, Spencer Hall had an excellent post recently detailing one of my very favorite things about college football: superdickery. It's an incredible list (bolstered by incredible writing), but my favorite has to be the Jack Pardee story, which is just Biblical in its douchiness.

--Dr. Saturday is in the midst of Mid-Major week, and he's been absolutely on fire. Hinton's blog is required reading anyways, but posts like this one on Saban show that, in addition to his great statistical analysis, he's a really funny guy, too.

--Two tales of Cardinals pitching. First, read Joe Posnanski's excellent piece on Bob Gibson, owner of the best season ever by a pitcher. Second, observe the anatomy of a colossal fucking choke. Compounding the misery of allowing the biggest comeback in another franchise's history was that La Russa had needlessly used the team's best (and craziest) reliever, Jason Motte, in the eighth. It's the sort of loss that could drive a flaky team like this year's Cards into a bad, bad funk.

--As per usual, I'm saving the best/most relevant item for the last third of the post (the so-called "sweet spot"). NBA Free Agency has been ridiculous so far, specifically the horrific Joe Johnson and Rudy Gay (and now Carlos Boozer) max contracts handed out by desperate, short-sighted teams. Amare's move to New York is, well, let's put it this way: Amare has never been and will never be a premiere player in this league. He is, on some nights, one of the five most potent offensive players in the NBA, but he's not a Hall of Fame player, partially due to his laissez-faire approach to defense, and partially due to freak injuries. Approaching his move to New York in any other sense than, "Well, what are the Suns going to do now?" would be a mistake. He'll still be a good scorer, poor rebounder, and worse defender in New York, and won't make them a good team, or even necessarily a good offense. There's too much missing there, and you can't build a team around Amare.

--Now, as for players you can build a team around...Wade and Bosh are playing for Miami, which is a predictable enough move. Wade's one of the three best players in the league, and Bosh -- who's received a ton of unwarranted criticism for some reason in the last few weeks -- is a wildly overqualified outlet option. The option to go to Miami certainly has to be tempting for LeBron (and, considering Wade and Bosh's willingness to take pay cuts, likely), and makes much more basketball sense than Cleveland (a mediocre team with no salary cap flexibility) or Chicago (overrated supporting cast). New Jersey's an interesting wild card, and for some reason I keep suspecting his decision tomorrow night comes down to Jersey or Miami.

--I could do some webjunk postage, but it'd be smarter to just direct you to Videogum, which has been on an absolute tear for the last month or so. My favorite posts recently: a link to Harry Knowles' delightfully gross Twilight review and Joe Mande's script for Glenn Beck's The Overton Window.

--Thanks for reading.

then it's the memories of our betters that are keeping us on our feet.

2010-07-01T16:40:00.000-05:00

(That’s three-for-three on LCD Soundsystem-inspired titles, by the way.)

My biggest problem with LCD Soundsystem (the alter ego of James Murphy) before I heard Sound of Silver was that I thought it was generic. I’d heard “Losing My Edge” and a bevy of other singles at a party no one in particular enjoyed; the wave of beats might as well have been Lady Gaga, or, hell, even the Black Eyed Peas. Compounding the issue was that what lyrics I could make out seemed phony, forced, or copied. Oh, it’s so tough to be an aging hipster! Oh, it’s so wearisome to go to all these parties!

Sound of Silver is a lot of things, but it isn’t generic. The album illustrates the basic similarities of dance and post-punk music, which in retrospect are pretty obvious; post-punk is much darker, but it’s no great surprise that the quintessential post-punk band, Joy Division, was reborn as the highly-successful electronic outfit New Order. The bookends of an excellent three-song run in the middle of the album, “Someone Great” and “Us v Them,” manage to combine driving, funky dance beats with jangling post-punk guitar and foreboding piano. The major themes of those two songs? Grief, paranoia, and isolation, hearkening back to a variety of Joy Division's wrist-slitting modes. The album’s major accomplishment isn’t making electronic music sad, which plenty of people have done (or attempted to do). Sound of Silver’s success lies in never sacrificing its constant, stunning movement for atmosphere; most albums in this vein veer toward one genre or the other, but even in its more forgettable tracks, Sound of Silver meets dance and post-punk exactly halfway.

Is it authentic? Well, part of what makes the album so unique is that it’s copying a lot of different influences, and copying them effectively. The most victimized source is David Bowie: Murphy apes his voice shamelessly (but effectively) across the album, especially on the title track; the end of “Watch the Tapes” steals the relentless piano of “Star”; “New York I Love You” has the same blues structure, climaxes, and, on occasion, even the same lyrics as “Rock ‘n Roll Suicide”; and the album’s tone as a whole hearkens back to the Berlin era. David Byrne, Ian Curtis, and even Lou Reed all have legitimate complaints, too. Does that make the album less authentic? I tend to think so–it’s easy, for instance, to mimic David Byrne if you want to sound paranoid—but the album’s best song, and undoubtedly the best one Murphy will ever write, is completely sincere. “All My Friends” is a perfect song about a simple theme: home, found either in family or friends. It’s something you don’t see much, unfortunately, in indie music: something sweet, pure, and hopeful.

The presence of that great three-song run—“Someone Great,” “All My Friends,” and “Us v Them”—makes the rest of the album pale a bit in comparison. It’s consistently good ("Get Innocuous" and “New York I Love You” would highlight a lesser album), but there are still some weak tracks, especially the back-to-back “Time to Get Away” and “North American Scum,” which reminded me of a lot of the problems I had with LCD Soundsystem to begin with. Sound of Silver is still an excellent album, but those conventional flaws leave it, in my opinion, just short of the canonical status it’s already reached in the critical community.

Grade: A-

us v. them, over and over again.

2010-06-24T23:14:00.001-05:00

(Every time I do one of these reviews, I feel like Jim Gaffigan in this bit. That said, here's a review of District 9.)

Whether or not you like District 9 is almost entirely dependent on whether you feel the movie accomplished its central aspiration to be something more than a competent sci-fi thriller. The movie takes place in a perpendicular-universe version of South Africa, where an alien mothership essentially ran out of gas above downtown Johannesburg. The ship's inhabitants, a very gooey bunch of insectoid aliens nicknamed the Prawns, are found within and given safe haven in the city below. Due both to xenophobia and the Prawns’ repulsive nature, the Prawns are soon cordoned off in the eponymous District 9, a sprawling shantytown filled with impoverished, desperate Prawns and Nigerian warlords trying to exploit alien technology.

The obvious apartheid allegory is made much stronger by the choice to make protagonist Wikus van de Merwe – well played by Sharlto Copley in his first professional role – an incompetent bureaucrat rather than a traditional hero. Sent into District 9 to evict the Prawns from their homes so that they can be moved to concentration camps well outside of Johannesburg, Wikus presents a complex and darkly funny illustration of the banality of evil argument. Putting Michael Scott (or David Brent, really) into an Adolf Eichmann role is an inspired decision, and Wikus’ character arc -- from stupidity and casual xenophobia to humanity and heroism -- is a much more satisfactory examination of the nature of racism than the other observations in the movie's world.

The movie’s greatest shortcomings lie in its lack of depth, as the slick documentary-style opening explaining the human-Prawn relationship sacrifices a lot of detail for breadth. Once we get to know some of the Prawns, we understand their motivations, but not how they expect to accomplish their goals. The movie attempts what all great sci-fi tries to do, which is immerse the audience in a new world. What prevents District 9 from reaching the level of, say, an Aliens, is that it lacks the detail necessary to convince the audience of its fantastic conceit when they take a break from the movie's relentless pace.

But yowza is this movie exciting. As a piece of visceral filmmaking, it’s basically flawless. It reminded me a lot of the remake of 3:10 to Yuma, another flawed yet extremely entertaining genre movie. The gore is intense, but you get used to it pretty quickly; by the last fifteen minutes of the movie, I gave a little fist pump when a Bad Guys Inc. sniper’s head exploded. Also like 3:10 to Yuma, there are some nagging questions that emerge upon reflection, and resentment at some of the sentimental gimmickry (in this case, our utterly guiltless, sympathetic good-guy Prawn) the movie employs. That said, you don't think about any of those things while you're watching the movie; you're too busy staring at the screen, hoping our boys make it out of there alive.

Grade: B+

and if i'm sewn into submission, i can still come home to this.

2010-06-23T18:45:00.002-05:00

--A few weeks ago I wrote down a to-do list of albums I still needed to listen to, consisting of the dozens I picked up this year and a dozen or so that I needed to revisit. I just counted them up, and I've got 140 total. I've listened to 20. Every road, single step, and so on.

--I should've said something about the Finals last week, but didn't. Suffice it to say that I'm the kind of masochist who enjoys games like Game 7, with its epic tension and incredible defensive performances. As great as the Celtics' D was (particularly Garnett, who played with a truly legendary, life-or-death intensity reminiscent of the 2008 Playoffs), the way the Lakers rotated and communicated in the 4th quarter was magnificent. Once I got past the sad realization that Garnett and Ray Allen would probably never have another shot at the title, I couldn't resent the Lakers' victory. That team was just so damned good when it counted.

--I mention Garnett and Allen in particular because they're the most likely to get moved in this offseason, in my opinion. Allen especially has been linked to trade talks, and on a team that asks less of him on defense (like, say, I don't know, the Cleveland Cavaliers), Ray will still be a lights-out shooter. Garnett, meanwhile, has a mondo contract, and the Celtics are very much at a crossroads regarding his contributions vs. the team's future.

--In other sports news, the World Cup went ham on the collective American imagination, and it's been awesome (occasionally). I was rooting especially hard for Cote d'Ivoir in the interest of Africa having something to cheer for, but Brazil took a big ol' dump on that dream. Luckily, the US Mutant Ninja Turtles have performed well beyond my expectations, lucking into a 1-1 draw with England, a 3-2 draw with Slovenia, and a 1-0 win over Algeria. I still think Landon Donovan's an alien, but I have to like him now.

--I'm tempted to do a semi-regular column on lesser-known, interesting athletes in the sports I follow. What spurs me on is Ricky Stanzi, QB for the Iowa Hawkeyes, who isn't a first-tier QB by any means, but is still one of my favorite players in college ball. The man is a patriot, speed demon, and awesome dude. He's also only good when it matters, making the Hawkeyes one of the most consistently dramatic teams to watch last year. Perhaps most importantly, he's got a bitchin' nickname: Stanzi is the Manzi. Much of my love for the Manzi is a reflection of how perfect a team blog Black Heart Gold Pants is, and how fun it is to follow during football season.

--I haven't followed the Alvin Greene situation nearly as closely as I would have liked, but suffice it to say that it's absolutely crazy, and continuing, superfluous evidence that democracy is a bad idea.

--On that "democracy is dumb" tip, here's the trailer for Glenn Beck's new book, The Overton Window, which is perfectly apt both in that a) it's crazy and b) it's disingenuous, as the narrator is reading an (uncredited) Rudyard Kipling poem.

--Two Washington Post articles worthy of your perusal: a tribute to Manute Bol, who I never got to watch but who could do this, and quasi-ethical piece on John Wall, who I haven't gotten to watch that much, but who can do this.

--Coming up later this week: reviews of District 9 and LCD Soundsystem's Sound of Silver. I can legitimately guarantee those two, because they're already mostly written.

talk on the phone. finish your homework. watch tv. DIE!

2010-06-17T16:35:00.001-05:00

So why horror? As a viewer, you could—and this is certainly true of most movies in the genre— take horror movies as only cheap thrills, and the Final Destinations of the world wouldn’t hold it against you. The opposite side of the same notion is watching horror for gore-by-numbers, the torture porn of a Hostel or a Saw that, for all their violence, end up being an oddly sterile chore. You might also call watching horror a cathartic experience, embracing and ultimately expunging fear. The prevalence of the “last girl standing” trope, best represented by The Descent, shows that at its heart, great horror thrives on trying to tap into its audience’s basic survival instincts.

As a director, horror makes sense largely from a financial point of view; while creature effects (and, certainly, CGI) can get very expensive, the majority of the horror canon—Romero’s Dead movies, Alien, Psycho, et al.—was assembled on a shoestring budget. For very little input, a horror movie, even one of very limited quality, can enjoy a highly successful second life on DVD. Moreover, the deluge of utter shit that’s oversaturated the genre, combined with a general critical abstention from genre films, has rendered standards so low as to be nonexistent. With so little cost required and so little in the way of expectations, why wouldn’t the enterprising young hack dedicate himself to horror and a lifetime of Syfy Originals?

Ti West’s involvement in horror comes from a different, more genuine place. Last year’s The House of the Devil, which West directed, wrote, and edited, reveals an earnest affection for the tropes of the genre and the 80’s slasher films of his youth. The plot, set in the 80’s, centers on Sam (the awfully pretty Jocelin Donahue), a penniless college student who reluctantly takes on a babysitting job for obvious creep Mr. Ulman (Tom Noonan, one of the movie’s many 80s throwbacks). The situation is weird from the get-go, and only gets weirder when Mr. Ulman reveals that Sam will be babysitting his invalid mother, not a child.

After bargaining with Ulman for four times the original amount of money, Sam is, reluctantly, left alone in the house. Though she tries to kill time by listening to her comically huge Walkman and meandering around, we know that it’s just a matter of time before she finds, as she wanders from room to room, the horrible secrets that the house has waiting for her. The tension, punctuated by a sudden (and thoroughly shocking) act of violence in the movie’s second act, is absolutely stifling, and might be my favorite example of the adage, “It’s what you don’t see that scares you.”

Along with the suspense, the movie’s most rewarding aspect is how fully it immerses itself in both horror movie standbys and in the 80s. Traditions like the false alarm, the “based on real events” disclaimer, the last girl standing, and the dark staircase are all embraced and riffed on with surprising affection. Moreover, holy shit is this movie 80s: there’s plenty of feathered hair, stonewashed jeans, and flannel to go around. There are countless signs in the direction (West is particularly enamored of slow zooms, a la Rosemary’s Baby), casting (Tom Noonan was a go-to sympathetic villain in the 80s, and plays a very similar role here), and editing choices that The House of the Devil is a labor of love for West.

And, in Hitchcockian fashion, West is more concerned with the slow boil of anticipation than he is with the movie’s big reveal, which is a little disappointing. The fun of the movie is following Sam as she discovers just how big a mistake she’s made, and watching the obvious joy West takes in filming it. While the end result is somewhat predictable (and prompted a lot of negative reactions to the movie), people looking for more than instant gratification or heaps of gore will have found something far better: a masterful and just plain fun homage to 80s horror, and a bona fide auteur working in genre film.

Grade: A

are you a man, or are you a bag of sand?

2010-06-11T21:32:00.001-05:00

--After complaining about a slowing sports news cycle, yowza did we get some news.

--First off, it's been real, Big 12. I kind of resent that the SEC looks like it's going to get stuck with Texas A & M out of the Big 12 South, but when Mike Slive said that he wouldn't let the SEC be anything less than it is, I believed him. The conference cannibalism has just begun, I'm sure; my bet is that the SEC (along with its equal payment and ridiculously lucrative TV contracts) will be letting Clemson, Georgia Tech, Miami, and Florida St. what it's all about sooner rather than later.

--Also, tell me how it tastes, USC. The NCAA absolutely kerploded any chance of a successful beginning to the Lane Kiffin era at Southern Cal; how long do you think Galippo, Kennard, et. al. will stick around with no chance of winning a championship, and no penalty for transferring? What about Barkley? Between this and his version of Scott's Tots, Bush is somehow even more of a douchebag than I'd begrudgingly accepted to be the case. USC will still keep the 2004 onepeat, and hey, at least someone's keeping this all in perspective.

--Speaking of Reggie, I had said in the past that the NFL's thank you commercial was probably the best commercial I'd ever seen. Well, the flavor done changed: well played, NBA, you glorious bastards.

--The Finals haven't been incredible (thank the refs), but both teams have legitimate paths to victory (getting the ball to Pau for the Lakers, getting the bench involved for the C's) after the Celtics forced a best-of-three last night. I'm loving Garnett's play (especially on D) and Glen Davis/Rasheed Wallace/Ray Allen's goofy faces.

--I've neglected what's probably the most important sports item of the summer, the World Cup, and sweet, sweet jingoism. In all likelihood the U.S. is scooting towards another ignominious showing in the tournament, but thankfully Spencer Hall has a highly scientific guide to rooting for someone else pending USA's inevitable early exit. Cote d'Ivoire (and lots of The Very Best, for atmosphere's sake) is my fallback, and, failing that, I always know who to hate. (h/t SB Nation for that awesome Dodge commercial).

--The internet is basically just one convoluted episode of Cold Case: Peeds Edition for pop culture, and the jig is up, Falkor. (h/t Videogum)

--I promised not to get political at the beginning of this blog, but BP is the new Jay Leno, so here's a tremendous Onion article on the OilCane. It's stuff like the oil spill (and BP's hilariously callous reaction to it) that simultaneously make me feel vindicated for quitting politics while making me want to get involved again.

--I've been on a huge Neil Gaiman kick these last few weeks. Between this story and his opinion of Alabama, you probably should be too, if you've got a taste for anything fantastical.

--Finally, if you aren't already, you need to be listening to Frightened Rabbit. Just like in life, sincerity is the most important part of great music, and the Frightened Rabbit is on the same level as Arcade Fire and Neutral Milk Hotel as far as honesty goes. Their sophomore album, The Midnight Organ Fight, is occasionally excellent, but it's their most recent album, The Winter of Mixed Drinks, that's immediately great. What an awesome year for music so far.

i'm just a great composer, and not a violent man.

2010-06-02T19:55:00.002-05:00

--Sorry for the lack of postage, but I've been surprisingly busy (Starcraft won't play itself) and, to be honest, from a sports and pop culture oddities standpoint, things have been pretty slow.

--One in a long line of totally normal, sane things you see from the Westboro Baptist cult. The little interview link from that page with Phelps' daughter just keeping it real about Heath Ledger is worth a watch, too. (h/t AV Club).

--I'm honestly surprised that no one did this sooner, but these kids executed it very well. (h/t Videogum)

--Kelly Bensimon (of Real Housewives fame and a more general sort of crazy people fame) made an anti-bullying PSA, and it makes me want to take her lunch money and give her a swirly.

--I expected so much more from the mind behind "Ahab the Arab." A rare miss, Ray Stevens.

--Sports-wise, there's not a lot to talk about. Even though I don't know much about soccer, I'm eagerly awaiting the US national team to continue its streak of disappointing World Cup showings. On the NBA tip, Celtics-Lakers is a good, if not ideal, Finals matchup; I would've loved for Steve Nash to get a chance at the big one before the decline really sets in, but the Lakers were really just the better team in that series. And yeah, watching this was really tough.

--Speaking of tearjerking/audible "awww" moments in sports, Chad Johnson remains the most lovable narcissist in the NFL, and this Kenechi Udeze story is just awesome.

--The Clash, Frightened Rabbit, and the Magnetic Fields have been in heavy rotation for me recently. Hopefully I can cook up an album review (takes longer than you might think, yo) before I go on my trip to Chicago on Friday.

--In other great music news, how about this band Buckcherry? I somehow managed to avoid hearing that song for my entire life, and now I feel I'm an irrevocably changed, damaged man. I don't throw Canadian money at the homeless anymore, laughing and laughing as I drive away in my Porsche; now I gently clasp their hands around hundred-dollar bills and cry a single, manly tear for them. Thanks to Buckcherry, I now know what it's like to live on the margins of society, in the mouth of madness, amongst the damned. Also, how's that sweet band name treating you, Buckcherry? Jesus.

--In conclusion, Lost ended.

he meant to shine, to the end of the line.

2010-05-21T18:21:00.001-05:00

I make lists. I love reading lists. If someone’s being called the greatest player ever in their sport, I want to see where they fit in a list – why not number two, or number three? Who else would fill those spots? So naturally I was excited when I found a list of the greatest players in baseball via a stat called wins above replacement (WAR), i.e., how many more wins a player contributed to his team than the average player at his position.

If you average WAR out per season (roughly 700 plate appearances, although that’s on the high side), the only current players in the top 25 are Alex Rodriguez (no. 20), Joe Mauer (no. 14), and Albert Pujols (no. 6, I can dig it). If we go by totals WAR, Pujols is only 40^th overall. Coming in at number one in both lists is, unsurprisingly, Babe Ruth. His total WAR of 172 is only six tenths of a win higher than Barry Bonds, but Ruth’s value averages out to more than two full wins a season better than Bonds. Add in Ruth’s value as a pitcher—another 18 total wins—and his total of 190 WAR is effectively untouchable.

Ruth was a singularly dominant player, and he was a singularly beloved personality. He was maybe the most famous American of his time (although Charles Lindbergh would certainly have a case) and has since been ensconced not only in the Hall of Fame but also in baseball lore. Ruth is, along with Cy Young, a central deity, whose larger-than-life antics seem innocent after (and, in part, helped to facilitate) decades of mythologizing. Ruth’s alcoholism and womanizing are venal offenses compared to, say, Ty Cobb’s violent racism, Shoeless Joe Jackson and the Black Sox, or decades of greenies, steroid controversy, and centaur portraits. Instead, they're proof of his humanity. Ruth is the great American athlete, and rightfully so—no one has ever dominated a sport as thoroughly as he dominated baseball, nor combined talent with humanity like he did.

Football, true to its roots as the most democratic of American sports, has many candidates for the position of greatest ever. Quarterbacks are the most obvious: Otto Graham and Bart Starr, the definitive winners; Johnny Unitas, the pioneer; Joe Montana, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning, all master practitioners of innovative strategies. Running backs are also awash with possibilities: Jim Brown and Barry Sanders, the best pure runners; Walter Payton and Emmitt Smith, well-rounded workhorses; Marshall Faulk and LaDainian Tomlinson, who redefined the position. The competition runs deep at every position except wide receiver, and even with a well-established pantheon, there’s no Zeus here.

Basketball, though—basketball is different. Its greatest player has come and gone, and we know him by the trail of his dead (see: Cleveland, Ohio). Jordan was unquestionably the greatest offensive player in the history of the game, and possibly the best defensive guard as well, to say nothing of his dominance in the playoffs. There’s precious little democracy in a sport that puts such a premium on athleticism and single-minded focus, and among its aristocracy no one has staked a realistic claim to His Airness’ throne.

But unlike Ruth, Michael Jordan was Achilles, not Hercules. His relationship with his teammates was begrudging acceptance at best, snobbish resentment at worst. Although Jordan cared about basketball's history, his goal from the beginning was to remake the game in his own image, a vision that precluded recognizing the achievements of his supporting cast. MJ’s selfishness on the court, coldness in the team’s hotels, and wealth of indiscretions both minor (such as his constant rudeness to those he considers beneath him) and major (serious gambling problems and habitual cheating on his ex-wife Juanita) have made him a more polarizing figure than his suave postgame interviews and occasional moments of vulnerability would indicate.

In Jordan’s case, the king acted like a king, and after his egomaniacal run with the Wizards, he declared no heir. Even the worthiest successors have black marks next to their name. Tim Duncan, the greatest power forward of all time, has neither the ambition nor the flair to succeed Jordan—he’s more Dr. Manhattan, a reclusive deity, than he is Superman. Kevin Garnett, who toiled endlessly in the hopes of a championship, and who turned rabid in his quest to retain it, only became a household name after his prime. Kobe Bryant, easily the closest to Jordan in terms of personality, was doomed through a combination of his petulance and the specter of rape allegations. Dwyane Wade looked for all the world like the grinning Next Big Thing, but injuries and talent-optional supporting casts have cast serious doubts.

Which brings us, finally, to LeBron James. James was anointed the Next Jordan upon entering the league, even though his player profile and in-game tendencies owed more to Magic Johnson. Like Jordan, LeBron labors under a tremendous ego. Having been told since childhood of his destiny, having had fawning media coverage since his sophomore year of high school, and having dominated both in the regular season and, sometimes spectacularly, in the postseason, it’s easy to see why LeBron would be arrogant.

But even if LeBron came off as annoying or even detestable as a person, he was unimpeachable as a teammate, whether through assist totals, pregame antics, or his closeness to teammates amateur and professional. That said, LeBron’s arrogance looks more and more like hubris since his team’s loss to the Magic in last year’s playoffs. He’s been less tolerant of adversity and his teammate’s mistakes, to say nothing of his flagging devotion to the Cavs organization. Factor in the ongoing quest to become the first billion-dollar athlete, the dunked-on cover-up, and the relatively listless performance in last two games against the Celtics, and it’s clear that LeBron has done more damage to his own reputation than anyone else.

Basketball needs LeBron to follow through on his original trajectory of talent combined with teamwork. I wish it weren’t the case. I love Chris Paul, and I think he’s every bit the talent that James is with half the ego, but he may languish in New Orleans like Garnett did in Minnesota. Dwyane Wade may stay in Miami and find his Scottie Pippen in a Chris Bosh or a Dirk Nowitzki, but it may also happen that his injury history renders him a more successful Grant Hill. Kevin Durant and Brandon Roy are probably the best candidates for the James' crown, but who can say for sure that they (or Tyreke Evans, or John Wall) will avoid Kobe’s mistakes in letting early success get to their head, or that they’ve got LeBron’s potential?

Basketball needs LeBron, and he’s still got time. I don’t know if staying in Cleveland is the answer (although Americans certainly appreciate loyalty), and perhaps it’s a fallacy to imagine someone so talented remaining grounded or sincere. But LeBron can, over the next decade, prove that the achievements of an MJ or a Kobe don't have to be tied to bitter, dehumanizing competitiveness. He can give the NBA its Babe Ruth, its Hercules, its king.

now they got the sun and they got the palm trees, they got the weed and they got the taxis.

2010-05-19T19:44:00.002-05:00

--First off, for Firefox at least, if you want to open a link in a new window, hold CTRL and click on it. Second, sorry for the hiatus - I've been ridiculously busy with the home stretch of schoolwork/out of the country (in Texas).

--This truly is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen, and provides superfluous evidence that every Hollywood exec in existence is ten years old. In other news, though I generally shy away from Sean O'Neal's reviews, the man can write a headline.

--Speaking of the AV Club, their weekly series of covers by visiting musicians, AV Club Undercover, has been consistently good thus far. Ben Folds' cover of Elliott Smith's "Say Yes" last week was my favorite of the bunch, and I can't wait for the "Two-Headed Boy" cover.

--Here's what this blog will look like when Geocities makes its inevitable comeback. The internet is the best sometimes.

--And yet, it is also the worst sometimes. Though Betty White has acquitted herself pretty admirably in her recent TV spots, the people who are clamoring for an octogenarian to return to the forefront of TV comedy right now deserve to watch this happen. Sorry, Betty - it's...evolving.

--Whoever thought to do this is a saint. Although I haven't been able to keep up with Treme as much as I'd like (and yikes has it gotten preachy), I can still appreciate the music, and it helps me get through the tedium of my job.

--As I've mentioned elsewhere on this blog, I have a hard time recognizing greatness when it's right in front of me. I've deleted substantial amounts of In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, Mass Romantic, and scads of Bowie, to say nothing of the albums I ignored for far too long (Remain in Light and Return to the Cookie Mountain, maybe my two favorite albums, are good examples). That said, I knew that The National's new album, High Violet, was something spectacular the first time I listened to it. Getting a better grasp of the lyrics may temper my enthusiasm a bit, but right now I love the entire album, especially "England," which is an anthem on par with, say, "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)," "Shout Me Out," or "Carousels."

--High Violet was just one of a dozen or so albums I picked up before I moved back home, and I'm trying to cross them off at work. The highlight yesterday was Liquid Swords by the GZA of the Wu-Tang Clan, which, like all good East Coast hip-hop, strikes a difficult balance between being surprisingly vulnerable and being as hard as it gets. The GZA's got great flow, and what he lacks in exuberance he makes up for with excellent lyrics and a supernova of energy, RZA, working his choruses and production. It's a terrific - and terrifically cold - album, and, like High Violet, it's one that grabs you on the first go-round.

--I also listened to The Smiths' The Queen is Dead and Ra Ra Riot's The Rhumb Line, which have similar weaknesses: both of them allow far too much self-indulgence on the part of their frontmen, especially the Smiths' Morrissey, whose lyrics are often shockingly bad. Unlike the Smiths, though, Ra Ra Riot has no Johnny Marr to come in and save the day (his work on The Queen is Dead, especially its title track, is superhuman) and it completely lives or dies based on whether vocalist Wes Miles is on point.

--For all the bad press that KG's earned these past two years, the combination of this retelling of the Malik Sealy story and Garnett's inspired play against the Cavs and the Magic ought to remind people why he was so easy to root for in the first place. If the increasingly likely 2008 Finals rematch happens, I won't have any qualms about rooting for KG (or, for that matter, Doc Rivers).

--The Wiz winning the John Wall sweepstakes is one of the best things that could have happened to the NBA; Wall will rejuvenate one of the league's less-alive franchises and breathe some life into a stale Eastern Conference.

--I hate me some Red Sox, but I can't bring myself to hate Dustin Pedroia, who's kind of awesome. Also, the Cards and the Rays (who, inconveniently, comprise a large chunk of my fantasy team) done fell off, by all appearances. It's a marathon and not a sprint, etc., but it's still a pretty strong deterrent from me actually watching baseball (so, in a roundabout way, it's a good thing).

--Coming up later this week: a little essay on LeBron and the NBA's general dearth of heroes, an album review, and hey, maybe some football.

i tell you, like before, you should say his name the way he said yours.

2010-05-01T20:03:00.006-05:00

I was trying - futilely, as it turned out - to do some research on the Mensheviks with this awful ringtone rap/Beyonce + thick-ass beats = profit/churning unremarkable synth-pop anthem party going on outside. Just boring, reprehensible music. Here's what I decided to do instead, before holing up in the library:

--This video is a beautiful idea beautifully executed; it's the Platonic ideal of ironic, retrosexual youtube videos. "Help," by the way, has to be in my top five Beatles songs. (h/t Videogum).

--Grant Hill seems like a cool guy, and J.A. Adande has a nice piece on what really is an incredible - and tragic, in the traditional sense of the word - story. Speaking of current Phoenix Suns, Love in the Time of LeBron has some compelling reasons to like Channing Frye, the team's enormous Stephen Curry, and Steve Nash, the most consciously anti-mainstream MVP in any sport. My favorites: the most ridiculous man in the world, and the futuristic, web 2.0 commercial for VitaminWater's facebook. (h/t SB Nation).

--Over at the stalwart Iowa blog Black Heart, Gold Pants, Oops Pow Surprise (Adam Jacobi) has a hilarious Hipster Rundown version of Iowa football.

--Speaking of hipsters: here's a list of stereotypes by band. The Fleet Foxes description hit a little too close to home, and I don't know if the Arcade Fire description applies to me or not. The inspiration for the list, Lauren Leto's stereotypes of readers by author, is even better. Tom Wolfe/William Faulkner/James Joyce were spot-on for me. Also, I found this on a cursory look through Leto's blog, and it says just about everything you need to know about Ayn Rand.

--Hate, I've found, is integral to fandom. I have a special kind of hate for Ohio State, the New England Patriots, the Atlanta Falcons, the Utah Jazz, and the Chicago Cubs. Notre Dame is at best a distant second to Ohio State for me, but it boasts a similar combination of atavistic snobbery, Midwestern pretensions to wholesomeness, and general lack of redeeming qualities. That said, though, of all the reasons I've found to hate me some Notre Dame, "making an unholy funk abortion of a pep video" never would have occurred to me. (h/t Dr. Saturday).

--While this piece peters out a little bit by the end, the man can write. "Beyond-baffling coincidences that take place only in a certain purple dimension Jung called 'synchronicity'"? That sound you're hearing is jealousy.

--I'll be busy for the next week or so, but after that I'll be able to throw together some album reviews.

--Thanks for reading.

some thoughts on the draft.

2010-04-24T18:20:00.002-05:00

--The big winners, as far as I'm concerned:

The Ravens. And the rich get richer. They got Sergio Kindle, a first-round talent, in the second; they got even deeper on the defensive line by snagging Terrence Cody (with him next to Haloti Ngata, who's going to run on the Ravens?); they upgraded their biggest weakness on offense, TE, with two promising projects; and got some solid depth (and, in Art Jones, talent) with later picks.
The Eagles. They went in with a ridiculous number of draft picks, and made good use of nearly all of them. They needed a pass rusher to complement Trent Cole, and picked up his clone Brandon Graham; they needed depth at safety, and they picked up the most well-rounded FS not named Eric Berry in Nate Allen; Charles Scott, Jamar Chaney, and Jeff Owens were all great late-round pickups (mid-round projections for all of them).
The Seahawks. Great first draft for Pete Carroll. He picked up Russell Okung, a premier pass-blocking left tackle; Earl Thomas, a great coverage safety (or possibly zone cornerback); Golden Tate, maybe the best wideout in the draft; Kam Chancellor, Taylor Mays-lite; Walter Thurmond, a top-tier corner when healthy; and Anthony McCoy, as talented a tight end as any in this class. Just a great draft for a team on the ropes.
The Jets. Pound-for-pound the best draft of any team this year. They might have gotten the draft's best corner in Kyle Wilson (clearly Rex Ryan is down with the capital CPT, and who's going to throw on the Jets now?), a ridiculously talented but raw interior lineman in Vladimir Ducasse, and great value picks for the backfield in HB Joe McKnight and Kentucky FB John Conner.
The Titans. Terrific draft for the Titans. They got three of my favorite prospects in WR Damian Williams, OLB Rennie Curran, and CB Alterraun Verner, to say nothing of Derrick Morgan, who might be the best DE in the draft. Plus, safety depth and talent in Myron Rolle and Utah's Robert Johnson.
The Raiders. Not completely out of left field, although I will admit that I thought they'd draft Bruce Campbell a lot sooner. McClain was a great pick for their burgeoning 3-4 defense (the skills I thought he'd bring to Buffalo will apply in Oakland), and Lamarr Houston is a talented, penetrating 3-4 DE. They addressed the biggest questions on the offensive line with some high-risk, high-reward OTs in Jared Veldheer and Bruce Campbell. Jacoby Ford will improve their return game, and Walt McFadden is a good corner.
Honorable mentions: the Bucs, Lions, and Packers.

The losers:

The Jags. Just a laughably bad draft. Even if Tyson Alualu pans out (he's not that risky of a prospect), I find it hard to believe that they couldn't find anyone to trade down with.
The Bills. There were a lot of reaches here, but the real issue was drafting CJ Spiller with that top pick. I love Spiller and think he warrants every one of those comparisons to Chris Johnson, but Buffalo had to address its lines. Meanwhile, they already had a good corps of RBs and two excellent returners.
The Browns. I like TJ Ward, but he was a huge reach in the second, especially with more pressing needs (and better safeties) on the board. The same could be said of Montario Hardesty.
The Broncos. Regardless of what you think of Tebow, the Broncos definitely panicked moving up to get him. DeMaryius Thomas has some huge question marks and Zane Beadles could have been had later (really? no Golden Tate, Josh McDaniels?).

That said, everyone besides the Jags acquitted themselves nicely at one point or another in this draft, which was really just full of talent.

Some other thoughts:

--I really, really liked some of the Chiefs' moves in this draft. I would've put them on my winners list if they'd waited a bit longer to jump on Arenas or had been able to get Terrence Cody. A youthful secondary of Eric Berry, Kendrick Lewis, Brandon Flowers, Brandon Carr, and Javier Arenas will give the Chiefs a ton of versatility and one of the better defensive backfields in the NFL. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. Tony Moeaki and Dexter McCluster give the offense some excellent new weaponry, and Jon Asamoah is a potentially great guard.

--I was taken aback when the Saints drafted Patrick Robinson, which pretty much seals Malcolm Jenkins' future as a free safety in this league (where he belongs). I wasn't terribly high on Robinson, but he does fit Gregg Williams' bump-and-run coverage schemes. Also, Charles Brown at OT was a terrific pick; an already-good pass protector who might allow Jammal Brown to finally go back to RT (or be traded). Loved the Matt Tennant and Al Woods picks, too, although when the hell are we going to get an outside linebacker?

--I'm shocked that Bryan Bulaga fell that far (stupid Bills) and that Anthony Dixon lasted to the sixth round (smart 49ers).

--Jerrah Hughes! Loved that pick for the Colts, which finally gives them a long-term answer to the age-old question, "How boned are we if Dwight Freeney goes out with an injury?" Not at all, at least not anymore.

--Selvish Capers was an awesome pickup for the Redskins so late in the draft; he's got the makings of a great zone-blocking RT.

--Thanks to the Patriots, I can keep on hating Brandon Spikes as much as I already do.

--A matchup to watch for next year: the Saints' preposterously talented interior line vs. the Bucs' penetrating rookie DTs Gerald McCoy and Brian Price.

--The Bengals had two quintessentially Bengals (Bengalian?) picks in Carlos Dunlap and Geno Atkins; so much talent, so little production.

--For what they had available to them, the Bears had a pretty nice draft; Major Wright can start immediately at FS, DE Corey Wootton was a huge value at that point in the draft, and Dan LeFevour is an intriguing project at QB.

--Absurdly Premature All-Rookie team:

QB: Sam Bradford
HB: Ben Tate
WR: Golden Tate; Dexter McCluster; Dez Bryant
TE: Tony Moeaki
OL: Trent Williams; Russell Okung; Jon Asamoah; Mike Johnson; Maurkice Pouncey

DE: Jerry Hughes (Jerrah Hughes!); Brandon Graham
DT: Ndamukong Suh; Gerald McCoy
LB: Rolando McClain; Rennie Curran; Sergio Kindle
CB: Joe Haden; Kyle Wilson
S: Eric Berry; Earl Thomas

KR: Jacoby Ford
PR: Javier Arenas

you say you stand by your man -- mock draft 2.0.

2010-04-21T22:30:00.004-05:00

I was pleased, generally speaking, with my first go-round at mocking this. I'm still a little torn on whether I want to draft for what I think will happen or what teams need, but I tend towards the latter. While my approach to the draft isn't unique (I've seen my top five from 1.0 repeated all over the interwebs) I do like to think that my analysis of each player brings something new to the table.

That said, here are some thoughts on my player rankings and the draft in general, accounting for better scouting reports/film availability/general reasoning:

Bruce Campbell: The most egregiously bad ranking from the last draft, Campbell was severely overrated because I didn't do my due diligence researching him; he's a ridiculous physical specimen, but the film doesn't justify a high selection (or even one before round four).
Rolando McClain: While I'm still very high on McClain, he may be a little stiffer in coverage than I realized, to say nothing of the defensive line talent keeping him clean on the field and the advantages of his coaching. I still think he's a very safe pick and a three-down player for a 3-4 team, but there's more potential to bust than I acknowledged.
Jimmy Clausen: Doug Farrar brought up a very good point when he noted that Clausen's had the best possible coaching at every level, and as a result has very limited upside. Factor in a surprisingly weak arm and possible leadership issues, and he's even less desirable than when I made my last draft.
Ndamukong Suh: If anything I've underrated Suh; I didn't realize just how much upper-body strength he had until I saw this, and the revelation that he was told to read-and-react, rather than go full speed, at Nebraska was really astounding.
Don't be surprised in the slightest if the Saints or the Jets trade up for a marquee player; Jacksonville and Kansas City are both dying to get out of their draft slots.
On the whole, this is a particularly good draft for defensive tackles (maybe the best ever), safeties (in contention with 1981 for the best ever), and wide receivers (remarkably deep), while being a poor one for defensive ends (seemingly everyone has question marks), corners (solid, but not much home-run talent), and quarterbacks (underwhelming).

1. St. Louis Rams: Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma (Last Pick: Bradford)

There are still a lot of worries for Bradford - especially his fragility and the fact that he never had to deal with substantial pressure in college - but he's extremely accurate and a proven leader. If the Rams' investment in LT Jason Smith works out, he'll be under less pressure than draftniks imagine. Also, judging from how the Rams' front office has handled the speculation, there's no way it won't be Bradford.

Other Possibilities: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame; Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska

2. Detroit Lions: Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska (Last Pick: Suh)

After adding Kyle Vanden Bosch and Corey Williams in free agency, it seems like Detroit has made some major strides in repairing their d-line. Throwing in Suh would be the first step to a potentially dominant defense down the line. Stafford still needs protection, but the Lions could get a quick fix from a Flozell Adams type and not regret passing on the next coming of Joe Greene.

Other Possibilities: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma; Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma (Last Pick: McCoy)

The weakest part of a weak defense last year, Tampa Bay's defensive line was a shambles outside of a surprise year from Stylez White. McCoy is a very safe pick, and would fit in perfectly as a penetrating under tackle in a Tampa-2

Other Possibilities: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee; Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech; Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida

4. Washington Redskins: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee (Last Pick: Russell Okung)

In the wake of the Donovan McNabb trade, it's highly unlikely that the Skins will draft Jimmy Clausen. Obviously the offensive line is a wreck, but Kyle Shanahan, Mike's son, has been singing its praises for weeks now, and while that's a possible smokescreen for draft activity, it could also reflect the benefits of moving to a zone-blocking scheme. Meanwhile, LaRon Landry is definitely making the move to strong safety, bringing the Skins' total of good strong safeties to three, and their total of free safeties to zero. Eric Berry reportedly enjoyed his visit to D.C., and I think that Shanahan has enough confidence to wait for a project player he thinks he can turn into a starting left tackle.

Other Possibilities: Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma; Russell Okung

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma (Last Pick: Eric Berry)

Scott Pioli has been quietly upgrading his line with veteran zone-blockers this offseason, and kicks Brandon Albert back into his comfort zone at right tackle (while protecting his ill-advised investment in Matt Cassell) by drafting Williams. The progress Williams made in just one year playing on the blind side is staggering, and he's got the most upside of any left tackle in the draft class. Williams is also a better run-blocker than Okung, and Pioli will prize that versatility.

Other Possibilities: Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama; Russell Okung

6. Seattle Seahawks: Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State (Last Pick: Derrick Morgan)

The Seahawks luck into a franchise left tackle, someone who will mesh very nicely with Alex Gibbs in Seattle. Okung will probably only flourish as a run blocker in a scheme that takes advantage of his quickness, and if anybody will be able to rectify Okung's indecisiveness and balance issues blocking in the second level, it's Gibbs.

Other Possibilities: Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa; CJ Spiller, HB, Clemson; Earl Thomas, S, Texas

7. Cleveland Browns: Joe Haden, CB, Florida (Last Pick: CJ Spiller)

Haden's stock has fallen quite a bit over the last few weeks, but it's hard to see why; he proved his speed at his Pro Day and his versatility and skill consistently shows up on film. I love me some Sheldon Brown, but he started slowing down at the end of last season, and could be moved to free safety in the wake of Brodney Poole's departure. Haden addresses a need regardless, and will learn from one of the best corners of the decade (and someone he resembles closely) in Brown.

Other Possibilities: Earl Thomas; CJ Spiller; Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

8. Oakland Raiders: Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland (Last Pick: Campbell)

I said that Campbell was overrated, and it's really easy to pick on Al Davis come draft day. Nevertheless, this pick makes a lot of sense in Oakland's bizarro world, like Heyward-Bey last year. Mike Iupati is also a strong possibility because of needs on the line and Tom Cable's ties to Idaho.

Other Possibilities: Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho; Rolando McClain

9. Buffalo Bills: Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama (Last Pick: Jimmy Clausen)

In the long run, it may be a better move for the Bills to try and pick up Bryan Bulaga, who's a very good prospect at a position of need. They're moving to a 3-4, though, and have documented troubles handling the run; McClain's leadership can ease the transition and his skill against the run will mask the deficiencies of the team's defensive line.

Other Possibilities: Bryan Bulaga; Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Earl Thomas, FS, Texas (Last Pick: Joe Haden)

CJ Spiller or Dez Bryant would be a nice luxury pick here, but under Del Rio the Jags are first and foremost a defensive-minded football team. Reggie Nelson has been an abject mess the last two seasons, and the Jags' secondary is the primary factor keeping them from defensive prominence. Thomas will probably be among the leaders in missed tackles at his position next year, but he's also a potentially great coverage safety.

Other Possibilities: CJ Spiller; Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech

11. Denver Broncos: Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State (Last Pick: Rolando McClain)

The Broncos have just about finished obliterating all vestiges of those great Shanahan offenses, beginning with ditching zone blocking and ending with the trade of Brandon Marshall. While Bryant has huge bust potential and may not develop into a dominant number one receiver, the Broncos simply have to upgrade this position.

Other Possibilities: Dan Williams; Golden Tate, WR, Notre Dame

12. Miami Dolphins: Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee (Last Pick: Brandon Graham)

The Jason Ferguson suspension is forcing the Dolphins' hand here, but Williams won't be a bad pickup. He's a four-year starter (figuring prominently on some very good defenses) and is the most versatile nose tackle in the draft. Edge rusher is still a concern, but this is a solid pick.

Other Possibilities: Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan; Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas

13. San Francisco 49ers: Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa (Last Pick: Bulaga)

The 49ers have already expressed interest in Bulaga, and he's got the power and agility to be the run blocker that the 49ers desperately need at the moment. Moreover, even if he doesn't make it at LT, RT is San Francisco's biggest weakness.

Other Possibilities: CJ Spiller; Taylor Mays, SS/OLB, USC

14. Seattle Seahawks: CJ Spiller, HB, Clemson (Last Pick: Earl Thomas)

The Seahawks luck out yet again with Spiller, who's far and away the best running back in this class. Seattle has a strong enough RB rotation to keep Spiller fresh, while allowing him to provide instant offense for an anemic team. Plus, he's a better one-cut runner than he's made out to be, and his receiving skills will take a lot of pressure off of Charlie Whitehurst. And I haven't even mentioned his impact on special teams, where he may do the most damage.

Other Possibilities: Taylor Mays; Derrick Morgan

15. New York Giants: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech (Last Pick: Brian Price)

The Giants still need a lot of help at linebacker, but the move to the Tampa-2 will let Justin Tuck kick back inside to under tackle and let Osi Umenyiora go full-speed at defensive end. Morgan is a very well-rounded defensive end, like a Kyle Vanden Bosch, and his discipline against the run will help mask some of the deficiencies in the linebacking corps.

Other Possibilities: Brandon Graham; Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Mizzou

16. Tennessee Titans: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida (Last Pick: Everson Griffen)

The Titans' FO loves physical freaks, and they'll gladly take the second-freakiest freak in this class (flashes of Jevon Kearse?), who also addresses a big position of need. There are a lot of questions about the Titans' d-line, mostly stemming from injury, but we know by now that in Chuck Cecil's Cover-2 their primary job is to rush the passer. Pierre-Paul is extraordinarily risky, and will probably never get any better against the run, but his potential as a pass rusher is pretty much unlimited.

Other Possibilities: Brandon Graham; Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers

17. San Francisco 49ers: Taylor Mays, SS, USC (Last Pick: Dez Bryant)

Taylor Mays has very well documented problems in coverage, and he's a lot more hesitant against the run (and diagnosing blocking schemes) than you'd expect from such a big ol' monster. That said, Mike Singletary thinks he can coach up anybody, and his team needs a safety, especially one as versatile as Mays.

Other Possibilities: Brandon Graham (a huge possibility); Golden Tate

18. Pittsburgh Steelers: Maurkice Pouncey, G/C, Florida (Last Pick: Anthony Davis)

The Steelers have maybe, possibly, had a rough offseason. They need help on the interior of their offensive line and, more importantly, some stability. As Doug Farrar has pointed out, Pouncey's experience in the shotgun will be a big boon for Bruce Arians' offense, too.

Other Possibilities: Golden Tate; Terrence Cody, NT, Alabama

19. Atlanta Falcons: Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Mizzou (Last Pick: Jason Pierre-Paul)

The Falcons are going to need some help at defensive end, especially if Jamaal Anderson makes the long-rumored move to defensive tackle. Nevertheless, Weatherspoon is a great player who fills a need for the Falcons, especially due to his skill in coverage; and, according to Weatherspoon, the Dirty Birds have already expressed a lot of interest in him.

Other Possibilities: Brandon Graham; Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State

20. Houston Texans: Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State (Last Pick: Donovan Warren)

Sure enough, Dunta Robinson's gone to Atlanta, and the Texans need some serious help in the secondary. HB's also a need, for sure, but the offense made due without much support from the run game last year, while the defense ultimately had to be improved. Wilson's a very good cover corner, probably the best corner left, and he'll give the Texans a little flexibility with his strengths in both zone and man.

Other Possibilities: Ryan Matthews; Brian Price, DT, UCLA

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Jared Odrick, DT/DE, Penn State (Last Pick: Odrick)

While I like Brian Price better as a prospect, Odrick's strength against the run fits Cincy's scheme a lot better. Plus, he's versatile enough to keep up with the hybrid shifts that Mike Zimmer's scheme uses.

Other Possibilities: Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma; Damian Williams, WR, USC

22. New England Patriots: Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan (Last Pick: Jahvid Best)

The Patriots complete their youth movement on defense with this pick, which should give them a permanent fixture at rush OLB. Graham demolished all who came in his path with his speed at the Senior Bowl, and he's good enough against the run to start on a Belichick defense.

Other Possibilities: Jerry Hughes, DE/OLB, TCU; Jermaine Gresham; Jimmy Clausen

23. Green Bay Packers: Mike Iupati, OT/OG, Idaho (Last Pick: Kyle Wilson)

Mike Iupati's stock took a precipitous drop after a bad Senior Bowl, but he's still an immensely talented offensive line prospect. He should start right away at guard for the Packers, who could use some help on the interior; his versatility could also eventually allow him to start at either tackle position.

Other Possibilities: Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers; Donovan Warren, CB, Michigan

24. Philadelphia Eagles: Donovan Warren, CB, Michigan (Last Pick: Carlos Dunlap)

This is a pretty big reach for Warren, but he's the best CB available and the Eagles desperately need depth after trading Sheldon Brown. Warren's versatile and while he gets too aggressive in bump-and-run coverage, he's got the recovery speed to mask those mistakes to go along with a lot of upside.

Other Possibilities: Jimmy Clausen; Carlos Dunlap, DE, Florida

25. Baltimore Ravens: Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma (Last Pick: Damian Williams)

This pick was very, very close to being Golden Tate, but the addition of Anquan Boldin lets the Ravens address a lack of short-intermediate receiving targets for Joe Flacco. Gresham's ridiculously talented, and from what I saw in 2008 (his last full year of football), he's a good enough blocker to get the vote of approval from Ozzie Newsome.

Other Possibilities: Golden Tate

26. Arizona Cardinals: Sergio Kindle, DE/OLB, Texas (Last Pick: Kindle)

The Cardinals need help at so many positions, but rush OLB is definitely tops on the list. Kindle is a very good pass rusher, and he can hold his own in the Cards' gap-control run defense.

Other Possibilities: Jimmy Clausen

27. Dallas Cowboys: Golden Tate, WR, Notre Dame (Last Pick: Tate)

The Cowboys need a complement to Miles Austin, and they get it in Golden Tate, who may be the best wideout in the draft. He runs his extensive route tree very crisply, can block, and has deep speed and leaping ability. Plus, hands of gold. He's everything that Roy Williams isn't, basically, and that's what the Cowboys' offense needs.

Other Possibilities: Arrelious Benn, WR, Illinois; Daryl Washington, ILB, TCU

28. San Diego Chargers: Ryan Mathews, HB, Fresno State (Last Pick: Dan Williams)

An unimaginative pick, yes, but Mathews is the workhorse that the Chargers need at the moment. He's got decent enough speed to start in the league, and he's a complete RB; he can do all the blocking and receiving that Norv's offense will ask of him. Nose tackle's also a huge need, but the Chargers can address it in later rounds.

Other Possibilities: Terrence Cody

29. New York Jets: Jerry Hughes, OLB, TCU (Last Pick: Hughes)

I'd be willing to bet a substantial amount of money that the Jets trade out of this pick, but in this scenario they're fortunate to draft the best player available at a position of need. Hughes is a lights-out pass rusher who only got better as his opportunities increased, and he'll be able to study under another small school legend in Jason Taylor.

Other Possibilities: Devin McCourty; Everson Griffen, DE, USC

30. Minnesota Vikings: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame (Last Pick: Mike Iupati)

Clausen's long descent finally ends with him winding up in a very good situation. Brad Childress's West Coast offense wouldn't require many long throws from Clausen, whose supreme touch on short throws will be very useful. Favre may not be here next year, and certainly not two years from now; even though the Vikes have to upgrade o-line and CB, this immediately becomes their most pressing need once Favre leaves.

Other possibilities: Devin McCourty; Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama

31. Indianapolis Colts: Charles Brown, OT, USC (Last Pick: Javier Arenas)

Bill Polian called out the offensive line after the Colts' loss in the Super Bowl, and current left tackle Charlie Johnson is almost certainly going back to the interior after the release of longtime LG Ryan Lilja. Brown has some question marks, particularly regarding his strength, but should fit pretty nicely on the blind side in a zone-blocking scheme.

Other Possibilities: Brian Price

32. New Orleans Saints: Brian Price, DT, UCLA (Last Pick: Sean Weatherspoon)

The Saints are very fortunate to have Price, the best pass-rushing DT in this class not named Suh or McCoy, fall to them at 32, considering their problems on the defensive line. Sedrick Ellis has played well but hasn't justified his top-10 selection, and some support next to him (and depth at the position) would be invaluable. Price may have some issues against the run, but he was ridiculously productive in college, and before an inexplicable freefall in his draft stock, was considered only a few notches below Gerald McCoy.

Other Possibilities: Nate Allen, FS, USF; Carlos Dunlap

'ey yo spiced-out calvin coolidge, loungin' with seven duelers.

2010-04-19T15:16:00.003-05:00

--NBA playoff reflections:

KG got suspended for this, which some people think will bring out the emotion the Celtics have been lacking, and which others, Joakim Noah included, think is yet another example of KG's dirty play. As a known KG fan (even though he's made it very hard on me since ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!), I tend to think that KG's anger came more from the fact that he airballed a shot he would've sunk in his sleep just two years ago than any concern for Pierce. His body is betraying him, and this season has given him a laundry list of reminders. What I hate, though, is that people forget that the year he joined the Celtics he decisively won a vote of his fellow All-Stars on who they most wanted to see win a championship; I guess he's burned through all the goodwill he earned toiling in Minnesota.
The offenses in the Nuggets-Jazz game were just ridiculously efficient, and Melo had a night befitting a superstar. Even though I don't have any great love for the Nuggets, I'll gladly watch the Jazz lose every night.
It's looking like my prediction for ugly games is going to come true in the East, and that the Heat are going to keep their streak of unwatchable playoff series alive.
Finally, most of the games were more lopsided than the scores would show, especially in the East. I can only hope that the Thunder will show a little more ferocity than they did in Game 1.

--I missed Treme last night because of an article I was writing; I'll try to catch a rerun tonight, and give a review tomorrow. From what I hear, Clarke Peters deals with a hoodlum in this episode, which is one of my favorite things to watch him do.

--The Ernie Sims trade breaks down like this: the Lions send Sims, their young outside linebacker, to the Eagles, who send a fifth-round pick to the Broncos, who send Tony Scheffler, their young tight end, to the Lions. The Lions had no use for Sims, who was lost in basic zone coverage last year and who was abysmal against the run (although injuries, supposedly, played a big role) and get, in Scheffler and second-year man Brandon Pettigrew, one of the better young tight end tandems in the league. I don't know what the Eagles think they're getting with Sims, but maybe he'll do better in a more man-blitz defensive scheme. Also, come on, Broncos.

--Chris Brown's breakdown of scouting in football is weighted towards the frustrated college football fan's perspective, but it's very reasonable and, like everything else Brown writes, an immensely readable and knowledgeable analysis.

--To the right of that article is a link to the Fifth Down Blog's slightly questionable list of the 10 best safeties in the league (Antrel Rolle? Roman Harper?), with a pretty limited rationale and some interesting honorable mentions. My list would be:

10. Adrian Wilson, Arizona. A-Dub had a down year by his standards, mainly in run support, which has traditionally been (and is lazily assumed to still be) his forte. He was very solid in coverage, though, and remains the league's least publicized dirty player.

9. Bernard Pollard, Houston. Scott Pioli never should've cut Pollard, whose run defense is impeccable (and a big part of Houston's rather short-lived renaissance against the run). He's no slouch in a robber zone, either.

8. Brandon Meriweather, New England. Previously known for getting distracted by shiny things on the sidelines (and for all-around dirty play), this year Meriweather helped provide a semblance of a pass defense that's been missing since the front office let Asante Samuel walk.

7. Darren Sharper, New Orleans. Like Dawkins, Sharper proved his doubters wrong in the first half of the season by returning to his ballhawking form of yore. I'd rank him higher, but he's a total liability against the run and started running out of steam late last season.

6. Antoine Bethea, Indianapolis. Bethea was better when paired with Bob Sanders and allowed to roam more, but he's done a very good job of corralling Indy's secondary and masking the direly overrated Melvin Bullitt's limited range. He can also destroy people with his hits and has a knack for forcing turnovers in the red zone and deep coverage.

5. Brian Dawkins, Denver. Like many others, I was ready to write off Dawkins after the end of the 2008 season, when he had really started showing his age in coverage. He proved me wrong this year, though, because he was as responsible as anyone for Denver's brief defensive resurgence (generally through good intermediate zone coverage and bread and butter, run support).

4. Kerry Rhodes, New York/Arizona. Most of the criticisms I've seen leveled at Rhodes are nebulous "he lost his passion for the game" accusations; from what I've seen, he's very sound in coverage and excellent in run support.

3. Nick Collins, Green Bay. Ed Reed lite, he's an excellent center fielder who's speedy enough to help in run support; he makes the most of Green Bay's pressure defense.

2. Troy Polamalu, Pittsburgh. I take issue with people who praise Polamalu unequivocally (too risky in coverage and too many missed tackles), but his versatility is critical to the success of Pittsburgh's scheme. Although people tend to forget about Aaron Smith's injury also hurting the Steelers, losing Polamalu to the Madden Curse was devastating. Like Reed, he's one of the only defenders in the game who can dictate terms to an offense.

1. Ed Reed, Baltimore. The best coverage safety in the league since he arrived, he's also better than he's made out to be against the run. He took fewer chances in coverage last season, though he's about as good protecting the ball on returns as Adrian Peterson.

If I were making this list last year, LaRon Landry would be included, possibly in the top five. If I were making it two years ago, Bob Sanders would be number one with a bullet. When I make this list next year, I will eat my own eyeballs if Eric Berry isn't on it.

but to take on the world at all angles requires a strength i can't use.

2010-04-17T00:03:00.004-05:00

--After a week or so of lackluster home stretch, the NBA Playoffs are finally here (beginning tomorrow night, I believe). There are some really great series coming up, especially in the West. Literally every one of the West's matchups has a compelling subplot:

LA vs. Oklahoma City has Kobe vs. Durant, the past versus the future; the Lakers have been on a real slide, and the Thunder always play up against them;
Denver vs. Utah has a great point guard matchup in Chauncey and Deron, and potentially great coaching;
Phoenix vs. Portland would've been better with Brandon Roy healthy, but Nate McMillan is the legitimate Coach of the Year because of how he's handled injuries, so I wouldn't count the Blazers out;
and Dallas vs. San Antonio has two of the most veteran squads in the NBA, each of whom finished strong, and who are in position to make one last run at the Finals.

The East is, as you might expect, way less intriguing, but Boston v. Miami, Atlanta v. Milwaukee (even sans Bogut, which was a really tragic injury), and Orlando v. Charlotte should all have some throwback ugliness in their defense, just nasty. If Orlando were to run a gauntlet of Charlotte, Boston, and Cleveland, they'd have nothing to fear from the West's defenses. Finally, SBNation had a series of reasons to adopt each team, some of which (especially for the Lakers, Spurs, and Mavs) were very compelling, at least to non-fans. I, for one, will be pulling for the Thunder, because I like Durant, because they'll be playing the Lakers, and because they're just so damned fun to watch.

--Treme was very good, as anticipated. Like The Wire, it featured some really great acting and direction, as well as a typically realistic approach (a number of the actors were just local band members playing themselves, including the Rebirth Brass Band, whom Matt Labash profiled glowingly in a great Weekly Standard article). In typical David Simon style, it threw the viewer headfirst into the situation, and a lot of the feedback I've seen for the show has reflected the resultant confusion; as someone who pronounces it "Nawlins" in a raspy voice, this obviously didn't faze me. Unfortunately the show also, like The Wire, featured an obnoxious fuckup as a central character in Steve Zahn's mouthy DJ (flashes of McNulty without the pathos, never a good thing). Regardless, I'm extremely excited for the next episode, especially considering that HBO's already renewed the show for a second season.

--This is pretty wild, to say the least.

--By the way, if you ever wanted a reason to hate on Pitchfork, check out the I See a Darkness entry on this page (or really, any William Bowers entry in the feature). Or this pretty ridiculous review of an N.W.A. reissue. The infuriating part is that if you look farther down on that first link, you'll find some of the best commentary on In the Aeroplane Over the Sea that I've ever seen; such a frustrating mix of pretension and talent.

--This is my only Youtube link, but I guarantee that it's the creepiest thing you'll ever see.

--This twitter account is hilarious. Read it.

--I didn't know about this site, but it looks extremely promising (just like this mansome breakdown of Cal's defense). I'll file it away with Smart Football, Football Outsiders, and the rest of my schematic analysis sites for the future.

--EDSBS's latest Digital Viking (essential reading, as with everyting Spencer Hall touches) has a detailed rundown of Ol' Dirty Bastard, which is as impressive as you'd expect from someone known professionally as "Ol' Dirty Bastard." On that EDSBS tip, you should check out Spence's curriculum for football fans; a very good rubric for laymen trying to break into the clergy, as it were.

--Now that the baseball season's back, two of my favorite blogs (conveniently, for my two favorite teams) are back in force: Viva El Birdos has some great insights and a thriving community (meaning a few great nicknames), and DRaysBay, in spite of a terrible name, has some beautiful statistical and strategic breakdowns for Rays fans.

if you still had the bones of an idol, you'd be long long gone.

2010-04-09T19:00:00.003-05:00

--I keep hearing about Mark Titus, Ohio State blogger extraordinaire, and any aOSU doubts I may have had about him were snuffed out by his promotional youtube video. He's a really good writer, too (or at least his ghostwriter is) and his blog, Club Trillion, is a great read. At the very least, it's the only way you'll find out Evan Turner's nickname or how Greivis Vasquez treats the ladies.

--Treme, David Simon's upcoming show about life in post-Katrina New Orleans, is a groingrabbingly exciting prospect. It features a number of Wire veterans (including Wendell Pierce and Clarke Peters, Bunk and Lester Freamon respectively) as well as NOLA native John Goodman, and the A.V. Club was extremely positive about the show in its latest podcast. I really couldn't be more titillated to see TV's best journalistic voice cover a city that's direly in need of a realistic appraisal. The show premieres on HBO Sunday night at 9 CST, if I'm not mistaken.

--I don't remember if I've posted this before or not, but it truly is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen.

--It obviously isn't at the Wolf Blitzer gold standard for racist comments made by venerable, silver-haired TV personalities, but what Alex Trebek has to say at the end of this clip is really pretty hilarious.

--It's a theory that, as I've gotten more familiar with both parties, I've come to agree with. Good on Questo for illustrating it in this clip.

--As with all things, I do it because THE WARRIOR (HOOOOOGAAAAAN!) does it.

--This is one of the finest timewasters I've come across in my time on these internets.

--If the Redskins sign Flozell Adams at left tackle, it probably means they'll take Eric Berry with the 4th overall pick. Barring a (increasingly likely) trade of LaRon Landry, the Skins will have my two favorite safeties of the last decade in one defensive backfield, and I'll be doomed to continue rooting for them.

don't talk of dust and roses, or should we powder our noses.

2010-04-08T20:21:00.002-05:00

--No kooky links today, just opinions.

--As a Redskins sympathizer (considering how much the team has changed since that brief run of likability after Sean Taylor's murder, when I first got hooked, it's tough to call me a fan) I guess I have to comment on the McNabb trade. Jason Campbell got drafted into a terrible situation, with poor receivers and an aging (and soon to be obsolete) o-line. He got approximately one half of a good season out of Clinton Portis, during which time Campbell was a fringe Pro Bowler. While "regressing" this last season and a half, his receivers led the league in drops, the running game was nonexistent, and after Chris Samuels went down Campbell got sacked while taking three-step drops, to say nothing of the crippling schematic issues that came with Jim Zorn.

In short, Campbell was boned from the beginning. Throughout it all, he handled himself with class (a nebulous concept at best, but he never called out his teammates or coaches), and got repaid with a characteristically short-sighted move from Skins management. He deserved better than to find out from a reporter, and not his own team, that a trade had been made for his replacement. He deserves better than to end up in Oakland, which, along with Carolina and Arizona, is looking like a likely suitor.

As for McNabb, I don't know that he's an immediate improvement. His stats grade out as slightly more efficient than Campbell (admittedly damaged somewhat by his long throws to DeSean Jackson), and he's definitely got a quicker release. He'll need it, especially if the Redskins don't draft Russell Okung with that fourth pick. The o-line will continue to be one of, if not the, worst in the league, and for all the criticism directed at McNabb's receivers over the years, I'd like to see a corps worse than the one he's inheriting from J-Cam. Putting an aging, injury-prone QB behind that o-line will almost certainly be disastrous.

From a fan's--sympathizer's--point of view, I can't hate this move enough. If the Skins were going to trade that pick, it should've gone towards getting Jared Gaither, one of the best young LTs in the league, from the Ravens. Moreover, I just plain don't like Donovan McNabb. I didn't like him in Philly as a player (and I've always felt he's been appropriately rated in that second tier), and he's always struck me as a guy who doesn't mind laughing at his own stupid jokes. Add this to the rumors that the front office is trying to pick up Brandon Marshall, and you've got a classic case of Same Old Skins.

--Also, the Skins shouldn't move to the 3-4. It's going to negate the talents of Haynesworth, Andre Carter (who should have gone to Philly instead of that draft pick), and probably London Fletcher. It'll be good for Orakpo and Landry, but just like the Chiefs, the Skins are trying to make their personnel fit their scheme, and not vice-versa.

--I can't but think that Elvis Costello, like Pavement, is a musician I'll like a lot more when I'm 30.

--Baseball's back, and Albert Pujols is ridiculous.

--Because I'm a douche, I rank all my songs on iTunes. I used to give every songs three stars on average, and then work in either direction, but I changed it recently to make one star the average so as not to inflate ratings. The gist of this is that I decided to limit myself to only 25 five-star ratings (whittling down the list was one of the harder things I've ever had to do), and here are my 25 favorite songs, in no particular order:

"Heroes (Single Version)" -- David Bowie

"Once in a Lifetime" -- Talking Heads

"Seen and Not Seen" -- Talking Heads

"Burning Down the House" -- Talking Heads

"This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)" -- Talking Heads

"Dear Prudence" -- The Beatles

"Wake Up" -- Arcade Fire

"The Army" -- Ben Folds Five

"Tonight" -- TV on the Radio

"Young Liars" -- TV on the Radio

"Holland, 1945" -- Neutral Milk Hotel

"Oh Comely" -- Neutral Milk Hotel

"Superpowers" -- The Dismemberment Plan

"Supper's Ready" -- Genesis

"Upward Over the Mountain" -- Iron & Wine

"99 Problems/Helter Skelter" -- Danger Mouse

"Teardrop" -- Jose Gonzales

"The Execution of All Things" -- Rilo Kiley

"Nomadic Revery (All Around)" -- Bonnie "Prince" Billy

"For the Widows in Paradise; For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti" -- Sufjan Stevens

"Chicago" -- Sufjan Stevens

"Casimir Pulaski Day" -- Sufjan Stevens

"I Am Trying to Break Your Heart" -- Wilco

"The Temptation of Adam" -- Josh Ritter

"Dark Center of the Universe" -- Modest Mouse

Just missing the cut: "11:11" by Andrew Bird; "B.O.B." by Outkast; "December 4th" by Jay-Z; "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" by Arcade Fire; "Haitian Fight Song" by Charles Mingus; lots of Bowie, Neutral Milk Hotel, Iron & Wine and Talking Heads.

--Also, I think that Modest Mouse is a band I've consistently, somewhere subconsciously, been underrating. They really are stellar.

i will surprise you sometime, i'll come around.

2010-03-31T20:49:00.006-05:00

I've got some excellent (predominantly sports-related) links today:

--John Morgan of Field Gulls (collaborator with one of the very best in the business, Football Outsiders' Doug Farrar) is doing an excellent, play-by-play breakdown of some of the top prospects in the 2009 Draft. Included: my man Eric Berry ("a place where nothing ever happens," as Morgan says); CJ Spiller; Taylor Mays; Gerald McCoy.

--SB Nation's Clemson blog, Shakin' the Southland, put up some comprehensive overviews of defensive coaching points, strategy, and terminology. Defensive backs are given special attention, which is obviously my jam.

--There are times when Kelly Dwyer's writing bothers me (for the same reasons that Pitchfork's writing can bother me), but sometimes - like this defense of Tim Duncan and professionalism in sports writing in general - he's just about the best sportswriter on the internet.

--Tiger Woods' lawyer, on hanging out with Michael Jordan: “Stay away from that son of a bitch, because he doesn’t have anything to offer to the fucking world in which he lives except playing basketball.” As someone who feels very strongly about the divide between Jordan the player and Jordan the person, this is immensely gratifying. (h/t SB Nation).

--Interpol is so good. All indications are that Turn On the Bright Lights, their debut and the only album of theirs I've got, is their peak, but it's not a bad peak to have. Tip of the hat: A Tribe Called Quest ("hotter than Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego"); Beck; Animal Kingdom; and Wilco. Wag of the finger: The Black Keys; all of Oracular Spectacular besides "Kids"; Nas.

--Against my better judgment, I'm getting excited for LSU's season; specifically, I'm excited about the defense, which could be stellar, and which undoubtedly will be the fastest in school history.

Sam Montgomery just took a big steaming dump on everyone who tried to block him in the Spring Game, and, according to Patrick Peterson, will start as a freshman.
Barkevious "KeKe" Mingo (WEST MONROE) is undersized, but could be a dominant situational pass-rusher.
Drake Nevis finally looks focused, which is terrible news for opposing offensive lines/running backs/delicious children.
The linebacking corps is going to have another converted safety to replace Harry Coleman, Stefoin Francois, who's gotten some rave reviews from coaches.
Speaking of linebackers, if it comes out that our MLB, Kelvin Sheppard, has murdered and eaten someone, I won't be the least bit surprised.
The secondary should be great. Arguably the best corner in the country in Patrick Peterson, plus some awesome young talent at safety in Brandon Taylor and Craig Loston. Corner depth is an issue, but LSU has traditionally made due with lackluster #2 corners.

--Bootsy Collins has a twitter; it's perfect for bumpin', you see. Some of these things are just priceless:

"Tore down the roof in Frankfurt and hopped bk on the mothership on my way back to the Bootcave in Cincinnati"
"@Tyrese4ReaL the fans been waitin baba make sure u throw some funk on it"
"all my funky followers b sure to follow the new voice of bootzilla @officialkandee"

--Finally, gifs of popular rappers. (h/t Aziz).

first draft of the first chapter in (hopefully) my first novel.

2010-03-27T20:19:00.006-05:00

Gene Lazenby has one primary goal in life: make it look easy.

He learned this obsession—and, possibly, inherited it—from his father, Greg Lazenby, a former play-by-play man for CBS’ college basketball team. Greg relished in relentless pressure on defense, in the marshaling of the troops on the floor, in brazen dagger shots at the end of games. In the indescribable rush of a game’s waning moments, he reverted to his childhood trip to Philadelphia, watching Dr. J. win the world’s first Slam Dunk Contest, taking in the sweat and grunts and curses and screams and squeaks of the contest, its swagger, its vitality. Wanting it.

Greg’s love for the game was both a blessing and a curse. It made him one of the industry’s rising stars almost instantaneously, thanks to his enthusiasm and utter sincerity; he was an amateur in a professional’s world. It also ended his career.

Memphis, riding a number one ranking in the polls for much of the year, was hosting number two Michigan State. It was nothing less than a championship game preview. It was Greg’s biggest call yet. And it did not disappoint.

Furious drives to the hoop! Chest beating and roars after hard fouls! And-ones! Utter cool after drained threes! It wasn’t one of the best games Greg had ever seen; it was the best, better than Christian Laettner, better than Jimmy V’s championship, better than the Flu Game or countless other Michael moments.

It’s poetry on hardwood.

Michigan State is trailing with eight seconds left, and their all-world point guard, Sterling Grice, heaves up a desperation three. Memphis’ center, Campion, rebounds, and Greg’s heart plummets as he narrates. This game, it seems, too shall pass, except—

Coyer stole the ball. Jonny Coyer, Michigan State’s scrappy, undersized forward, stole the ball right out of Darnell Campion’s hands. Memphis, dumbfounded, races to get back in position. They double Coyer, pressure him, but he spins—a spin move! such grace! such ease!—and drives to the hoop. He elevates…

Staring at the rim, he passes the ball to Sterling Grice, who stands alone in the coffin corner behind the arc. Surely Coyer took too much—no. Just enough time. Time enough for Greg. Time enough for his partner, Steve Coogan, heaving orgasmic, guttural, whiskey-and-pizza stained syllables into his microphone. Time enough for Sterling Grice.

He shoots. He sinks it. The crowd, deafening only seconds before, goes utterly silent.

“Sterling did it! He beat the buzzer! WE’RE GOING TO HALFTIME!”

He doesn’t realize what he’s done until the second or third time he’s heard his words echo around the stadium. Then comes the laughter—everyone’s heard him. Everyone at home, on what will become the most-watched regular season college basketball game of all time, has heard him. Finally, mercifully, they go to commercial.

Officially, Greg was in the clear. He just made a slip of the tongue, that’s all; he got caught up in the heat of the moment. But he knew. He could see it in Jay Bilas’ beady little eyes, in Tim Brando’s shit-eating grin, in Verne Lundquist’s jowls. He had failed. He was an embarrassment. He was a loser. Gone from rising star to has-been clown in one fucking slip of the tongue.

He was exiled, along with his old partner, to the purgatory of Pac-10 Basketball, where there was no threat of Greg ever reassembling his old national following. Coogan, an aging jock with no ACLs, constantly needled him in private about the call.

One night, when USC was getting steamrolled by Oregon State on a regional broadcast, the clock was winding down at the end of the first half, and the old drunk said, “Well, that’s it, folks. We’re going to halftime!”

“Shut the fuck up, Steve,” Greg said. He didn’t return to call the rest of the game.

After CBS summarily dismissed him, he went on to sports radio back in his native Alabama, and called basketball and football games for his son’s high school.

Gene Lazenby tried to make it look easy, and at times he did. Areas that required a lot of discipline, like sports and writing metered verse and glassblowing, were out from the start. But when expanding on his natural talents, Gene was expert at exuding effortlessness.

He was, for one thing, a spectacularly gifted liar. Combined with his not inconsiderable natural charisma, he had a way of dealing with—and double-dealing—people that bordered on legendary. Even when the lies were clearly doomed to failure, he remained committed; commitment was the sole jealousy of discipline to which he dedicated himself. One time in high school, in the calm before an exam, he sneezed a river of snot into his hands, looked over at the handsome girl sitting next to him, shrugged, and said, “Wasn’t me.”

He was a very capable thief and swindler, and frequently—routinely—impressed his friends by pulling the wool over the eyes of some of his high school’s easier marks. Gene pulled off short cons and pranks in untold numbers. His accomplice for his favorite trick was Eddie Hansen, a gymnast with remarkably flexible limbs. Eddie got picked on mercilessly for doing gymnastics, to say nothing of his teetering on the edge of the closet. It didn’t bother him in the slightest, then, when Gene asked him to walk by the football players’ table, trip, and throw an arm behind his neck at an unnatural angle and start shrieking. Gene used the distraction to clean up picking pockets.

What Gene really lived for, though, was the long con. It took a little more effort, but it mostly required patient observation. There was the time he cased Paul-Robert Meggars, captain of Eclectic High School’s Forensic Society (the debate team), for two weeks, ingratiating himself with Meggars, then switching out the allergy medicine in his pill bottle with Levitra the day of the team’s district competition. There was also, of course, the calculated tradeoff to get the mousy and dandruff-stricken Annie Farrow—her nickname at school was Snowflake--to sit with him in the cafeteria in exchange for buying his lunch.

With that in mind, it would be easy to think of Gene as a selfish, manipulative cad, and this would not be doing him a grave disservice. But he did have more gracious qualities. The few people he did consider his friends, such as the perennially put-upon Eddie Hansen, he protected and genuinely cared for. He loved, or perhaps just pitied, his father, who had proven much more likable without the stresses of travel and the spotlight. Sometimes at night he took the time to consider, though briefly, if he might have turned out differently if his mother had survived childbirth.

The most salient detail of Gene’s life at the moment, however, has nothing to do with his family. It is the only thing that can reduce him to uncontrollable heat-spasms of emotion. It determined his four-year plan at Eclectic High and his decision to go to a small college in the north of the state. It is one of the few things, no matter how hard he tries to ignore it, that Gene can not make look easy. It is the passion that burns in him for Sissie Brasher, and it is why Gene is at a mixer tonight.

listen, listen. most of us believe that this is wrong.

2010-03-24T00:47:00.001-05:00

--First, I'll use my immense star power to plug Patrick's new blog and Sam's new (excellently-titled) blog. Godspeed, fellow Blogfricans.

--Since you're dying to know, here's what's in circulation on my iTunes right now:

"Gideon," by My Morning Jacket. Powerful, with some excellent lyrics.
"Obstacle 1," by Interpol. Interpol was/is more consistently excellent than Joy Division ever was.
"We Can Get Down," by A Tribe Called Quest. So fresh.
"Church," by Outkast. I'm loving Speakerboxxx.
"What It's All About," by Girl Talk. Solely for the "C.R.E.A.M." section.
"Grounds For Divorce," by Elbow. Dig the lyrics, the Peter Gabriel vibe, and the lead singer's uncanny resemblance to Stephen Fry.
"Can't Say No," by The Helio Sequence. One of three excellent songs on a pretty bland album.
"Famous Blue Raincoat," by Leonard Cohen. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
"The Rake's Song," by The Decemberists. I love how much fun Colin Meloy has with evil.

--Syracuse is still alive in the tournament, and their chances are really looking pretty good. Assuming a head-to-head with Kentucky - who appear even stronger at the moment - Syracuse has a few advantages: Kentucky starts slow, Syracuse starts fast; Syracuse's big weakness is outside shooting, and Kentucky lives on drives to the hoop; Syracuse's bench is monstrous, Kentucky's is nothing special. I know I just jinxed the shit out of the Orange, but I still like their chances of taking the title.

--A ridiculous dunk, even by his standards. Amare's been killing it since the All-Star break.

--God almighty, this is funny. I love you, bearded prince of the stars.

--This is a terrific idea. I can't wait for "Paper Planes," "Wish You Were Here," or (especially) "Two-Headed Boy."

--I'm completely fine with the NFL's new overtime rules; more sensible than sudden death, and less kooky and stat-padding than college's overtime. Speaking of the NFL, I'll update my draft later this week (some pretty serious changes are in the works after free agency, the combine, and an active rumor mill).

--I've been working on a creative nonfiction story for the last few weeks that I'm very proud of (it's probably better than "The Regulars," the one I posted earlier), but I also feel it's too intensely personal for me to share at the moment. If there's any clamoring from my approximately zero active readers, I'll post it.

--Craig Loston, LSU's all-world safety recruit from last year, got a medical redshirt. This is extremely reassuring a) because it means we potentially get to keep him from going pro longer and b) it explains his absence from a safety rotation that was pretty mediocre outside of Chad Jones.

--Thanks for reading.

(h/t to roboshark, av club, and the valley shook, and everyone who's given me music these last few weeks.)

books which have influenced me most.

2010-03-19T16:41:00.000-05:00

Stolen from Chris Brown, who stole it in turn from Marginal Revolution, here are the 10 books (in order, at least through the top 4) which have most influenced me:

1. The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler.

--A model for living decently in a patently indecent world. In practical terms, it's a beautiful and endlessly readable book, and Chandler is probably the greatest influence on my writing.

2. The Works of T.S. Eliot.

--Eliot speaks to me as a writer because he shows me how to communicate in absolute terms. He speaks to me as a thinker because he's as preoccupied with the Western tradition as I am. He speaks to me as a reader because his poetry is as breathtaking today as it was when I first read him.

3. The Roman Revolution, by Ronald Syme.

4. Thucydides' The Peloponnesian War, translated by Thomas Hobbes.

--Historians like to talk about revelatory moments, times when something suddenly clicks or a particular historical question reveals itself. Learning from these books in Oxford provided me the former, showing me that there's no such thing as nonfiction, and that there's no value in history if it's abstracted from the people who need it.

5. Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.

--There were a lot of things I thought I understood about the Western tradition after reading Plato, but none of them (especially the conflict between reason and passion) were really clear until I read Hamlet.

6. The Conservative Mind, by Russell Kirk.

--Kirk introduced me to Edmund Burke, the political philosopher whose insights and values are most closely calibrated to mine. When I try to define my political beliefs now, Kirk's discussions of Burke, Tocqueville, and others serve as invaluable guideposts.

7. The Greek Way, by Edith Hamilton.

8. Homer's Iliad, translated by Samuel Butler.

9. Suetonius' The Twelve Caesars, translated by Robert Graves.

--These three books, more than any others, fostered my love of the classics and really got me enthusiastic about the sweeping heroism, complex characters, and occasional hilarity of the ancient world.

10. As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner.

--Faulkner's ability to write transcendentally about the mundane aspirations of a white trash family, to elevate their quest from a spiteful demand to a grand tragedy, left an indelible impression on me; the notion that you can make something beautiful or meaningful out of ugliness is profound and profoundly interesting.

is it chemically derived?

2010-03-12T23:31:00.003-06:00

--On my first day of spring break, I got about a gig of new music, specifically albums by Elbow, MGMT, Sigur Ros, Caribou, Interpol, Liars, Midlake, Jane's Addiction, The Strokes, The Black Keys, A Tribe Called Quest, Eric B. and Rakim, and Public Enemy. More details will be forthcoming; Interpol's Turn on the Bright Lights is an early winner.

--Brick is a tremendous movie. A film noir set in high school (although it doesn't spend a lot of time straining for believability), it stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a kid trying to solve the murder of his ex-girlfriend amidst the school's drug underworld. There's really sharp acting and direction all around, but the script is the real winner; Rian Johnson, the movie's writer and director, captured the wittiness and outrageously complex dialogue of classic noirs with almost as much alacrity as Miller's Crossing. It's got the plot and atmosphere of a Dashiell Hammett story, but at heart it's all Raymond Chandler. Like Miller's Crossing, it's more retro-noir than it is neo-noir. If I get a hold of a DVD of the movie, I'll do some more analysis on a few specific scenes that were thinly-veiled homages to some of my favorite noir authors; in the meantime, I'll settle for being roundly satisfied with an excellent film.

--Drag Me To Hell is less excellent, but it's still a lot of fun. Surprisingly gory for its PG-13 rating, it is (like Spider Man 3, Sam Raimi's last directorial outing) over the top to the point of hilarity. It may be campy, but at least it knows it, and rewards people who don't take it too seriously.

--If Inglourious Basterds had held to the standard set by its awe-inspiring first half-hour (the opening scene with Christoph Waltz playing cat-and-mouse and Brad Pitt introducing the Basterds), it would be in the conversation for Tarantino's best film. It began to drag pretty badly instead (although it was still generally good-to-great), so now I'd say it's 1. Pulp Fiction 2. Jackie Brown 3. Reservoir Dogs 4. Inglourious Basterds 5. Kill Bill 6. Death Proof. I'll eventually realize that I'm underrating Kill Bill, but you know what won't ever grow on me? Death Proof. Christ, that's a terrible movie.

--Sports. The Saints are still world champions, and God help you if you criticize Scott Shanle, New Orleans' weakside linebacker, in front of a Saints fan. Because I said that Shanle was "underrated" in a draft preview last year (yes, this is the internet, someone dredged it up) and "suddenly" criticized him this year, I became "a BIG ass hypocrite" and a possible Red sympathizer. I cited stupid things like advanced and traditional statistics (neeeeerd alert!) and my experience with Shanle's play as a fan, and clearly I was wrong because a lot of people disagreed with me and this a democracy, god damn it, Baron Science. Clearly there was nothing wrong with the defense, especially the run defense (like weakside linebackers getting washed out of plays), because we won the Super Bowl and Super Bowl champions always repeat because there are never endemic problems ever.

--Dumb motherfuckers.

--MGMT, like Yeasayer, sounds strikingly like Peter Gabriel-era Genesis at times.

--Speaking of Peter Gabriel, he released this, which struck me as an awfully bad idea until I realized a) I could listen to Peter Gabriel sing "dirty diapers dirty diapers dirty diapers" over and over again and not be displeased and b) there's apparently a follow-up record with the artists he covered covering his material. Arcade Fire doing "In Your Eyes"? Vampire Weekend doing "Sledgehammer"? Bon Iver doing "Come Talk to Me"? Yes please. And yes, this album is pretty terrible, thanks to the lifeless, unimaginative orchestration (although Gabriel obviously has good taste in songs to not cover well).

--I don't know where to weigh in on Syracuse at the moment, coming off of two (not) shocking losses, one to Lousiville and another to Georgetown (Georgetown sucks). Arinze Onuaku, the team's center and probably its best defender, most likely will make the NCAA tournament; the Orange are pretty much boned trying to run the 2-3 zone without him.

--Viral videos are boss. Also, this crazy thing.

--As for the albums I was putting off listening to until I finished my top ten; The Flaming Lips' The Soft Bulletin and Joy Division's singles album Substance are both incredible. "What is the Light?" and "Transmission," respectively, really caught my attention.

--That's it. Sorry if you were expecting more after the layoff; it's been a busy semester, and it's just going to get busier.

mock draft 1.0

2010-02-18T22:40:00.013-06:00

1. St. Louis Rams: Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma

The consensus choice here is Suh, and it’s certainly true that St. Louis needs help on its d-line, especially if it wants to see some return on its previous d-line investments. It’s also true that in a number of respects, not the least of which is experience in a pro-style offense, Jimmy Clausen is the better pick. Bradford, however, has extraordinary accuracy and much better arm strength than his rival Colt McCoy; he’s also a huge improvement over Clausen in terms of not being an enormous prick. The NFL’s bust rate is directly related to work ethic and leadership ability, and Bradford has both in spades. Neither Bradford nor Clausen is going to have the immediate impact of a Matt Ryan, and the very height of their potential is Aaron Rodgers, not Peyton Manning. Like Rodgers, Bradford would benefit immensely from sitting and learning a system (not to mention getting some offensive weapons and protection), a luxury he won’t have.

He’s the best option regardless, and while he’ll suffer through some rough early years, he has the potential to be the face of the franchise in a few years.

Other Possibilities: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame; Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska

2. Detroit Lions: Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska

Suh and Gerald McCoy, like Glenn Dorsey and Sedrick Ellis two years before them, increasingly seem like a “1 vs. 1a” in terms of potential. Unlike those two, Suh and McCoy don’t have a devastating injury (Dorsey’s chop block) and documented troubles handling the run (Ellis) between them. Suh would provide much-needed help on the interior of Detroit’s line, which has to be one of the league’s worst. They could also use Berry or Okung here, but safeties never get taken in the top three and Coach Schwartz has been vocal in his support of veteran left tackle Jeff Backus.

Other Possibilities: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma; Eric Berry, S, Tennessee

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma

Tampa Bay’s d-line, outside of the excellent (and excellently-named) Stylez G. White, is total garbage. They need a ton of help at receiver, o-line, and safety as well, but they’ll never see a defensive renaissance without a dominant defensive line, and McCoy is as sure a bet as any.

Other Possibilities: Eric Berry; Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech; Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida

4. Washington Redskins: Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State

There’s plenty of talk about the Skins not resigning embattled QB Jason Campbell, but he’s been too consistently good (especially considering his abysmal o-line and receivers) to let go. Ideally, the Skins would trade down and spend the picks on a total revamp of their o-line, but they’ll probably take a long-run replacement for Chris Samuels. Okung is an excellent pass protector and an underrated run blocker, and even though he probably won’t have the impact of a Joe Thomas or Ryan Clady, he’ll instantly become the best player on the Redskins’ line.

Other Possibilities: Trading Down, Jimmy Clausen, Eric Berry

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Eric Berry, S, Tennessee

It’s really unlike someone from the Belichick tree to ignore his lines while they’re still works in progress (to say the least), but the Chiefs stupidly let a good safety go in Bernard Pollard and desperately need help in the defensive backfield. Berry will make an instant impact with his versatility in coverage, and will be a huge boon to the team’s run defense. He’s even better than Ed Reed in terms of pure coverage, and despite some late troubles last season he’s on a par with Troy Polamalu in terms of range and ability to make an open-field tackle. The Chiefs’ defense desperately needs a brain, too, and Berry was a captain for Tennessee ever since his freshman year.

Other Possibilities: Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama; Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland

6. Seattle Seahawks: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech

I have my doubts about Morgan, especially in terms of lateral pursuit, but the Seahawks’ defensive line is ridiculously bad. Morgan will be an instant improvement in developing their pass rush, especially if Carroll converts the defense back to a 4-3.

Other Possibilities: Rolando McClain (very likely if they stay in a 3-4); Bruce Campbell; Earl Thomas, S, Texas

7. Cleveland Browns: CJ Spiller, HB, Clemson

So much about the Browns was unwatchable last year, but HB Jerome Harrison showed some promise towards the end of the year. After resetting the franchise record for rushing yards in a single game, Harrison had a bit of a power outage in the last two games. His success showed, if but for a fleeting instant, what the Browns offense could look like with a competent run game: that’s where Spiller comes in. Despite accusations that he’s too small to play in the league, Spiller doesn’t have an extensive injury history, and has extraordinary speed and vision. At worst, he serves as a Felix Jones-esque sparkplug for a terrible offense while spelling Harrison; at best, he serves as a Chris Johnson-esque horse for a terrible (but improving!) offense.

Other Possibilities: Joe Haden, CB, Florida; Jimmy Clausen

8. Oakland Raiders: Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland

Al Davis is committed to the Jamarcus Russell experiment, and he needs to protect his investment, no matter how terrible it’s been for his franchise. Moreover, Campbell is a freakish athlete, and Davis, no stranger to gushing over such things, will be wowed by his measurables.

Other Possibilities: Taylor Mays, SS/OLB, USC; Rolando McClain

9. Buffalo Bills: Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

The Bills need oodles of help on the line, but the two best tackles are already off the board. They’re likely moving to a 3-4 under Chan Gailey, and could use a viable nose tackle as well. When it comes down to it, though, the Bills are going to remain mired in mediocrity without a viable QB, and Clausen, for all his faults, is that. His junior season may have been the best in college football history, and he’s used to getting knocked around (and losing!). The Bills will probably make a move for a QB in free agency before this, but if they don’t then Clausen’s their best option.

Other Possibilities: Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers; Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Joe Haden, CB, Florida

The Jags have an anemic pass rush, to be sure, but their front seven is actually pretty good. For all the talk of Derrick Harvey being a bust, he’s a good run defender, and has never had a number-one DE to take the pressure off of him. The real trouble is in the secondary, which is a total mess. Haden has a very diverse set of skills, and can lock down in both zone and man coverage; he’ll go a long way towards shaping up a very, very bad secondary.

Other Possibilities: Earl Thomas; Tim Tebow, QB, Florida; Trading Down

11. Denver Broncos: Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama

The Broncos are shopping Brandon Marshall, and will need a true number one receiver to take the pressure off him. As of right now, though, Marshall’s a Bronco, and their defense—which utterly broke down at the end of last year—needs a leader besides the aging (and insane) Brian Dawkins. DJ Williams did not fare well in the transition to the 3-4, and Andra Davis won’t be around too much longer. McClain is an all-world talent the likes of which the draft hasn’t seen since Pat Willis, and has tons of experience captaining a complex 3-4 defense. McClain would be an absolute steal at this point in the draft.

Other Possibilities: Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State

12. Miami Dolphins: Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan

Graham tore it up at the Senior Bowl, improving his draft stock tremendously in the process. The Dolphins’ defense was solid last year, especially considering its youth in the secondary; with a viable pass rush, it will continue to flourish. Graham is competent dropping into a short zone, and can assume Joey Porter’s role at outside rush linebacker without much trouble. With a veteran (and very good) d-line to support him, and a still-effective Jason Taylor to command attention, Graham could be in for a very good year.

Other Possibilities: Daryl Washington, ILB, TCU; Dez Bryant

13. San Francisco 49ers: Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa

The 49ers are a bona fide safety away from being a dominant defense, but their biggest position of weakness is right tackle. Bulaga had a down junior year because of injury, but he totally shut down Derrick Morgan, the best end in the draft, in the Orange Bowl. He’s a good pass blocker and a total monster in the run game, and would vastly improve an ailing line; he could feasibly start at left tackle, but his future is almost certainly on the right side of the line, opening creases for the great Frank Gore.

Other Possibilities: Anthony Davis; Earl Thomas; Damian Williams, WR, USC

14. Seattle Seahawks: Earl Thomas, S, Texas

Thomas is mediocre at best in the run game, but he’s a tremendous cover man, which is exactly what the Seahawks need at the moment. The transition from Brian Russell, the worst safety in the league in 2008, to Jordan Babineaux last year didn’t improve a thing; Thomas could bolster a sieve of a secondary, having an effect not unlike Jairus Byrd.

Other Possibilities: Taylor Mays; Anthony Davis

15. New York Giants: Brian Price, DT, UCLA

This was one of the hardest decisions for me to make; the Giants have equally big holes at inside linebacker and throughout the secondary. In a defense that thrives on creating pressure, the Giants created none, and their vaunted defensive line largely crumbled. Price is outstanding at creating penetration, and would create the interior pass rush that the Giants have been lacking since their Super Bowl run.

Other Possibilities: Donovan Warren, CB, Michigan; Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Mizzou; Taylor Mays

16. Tennessee Titans: Everson Griffen, DE, USC

The Titans took a big step back in 2009, and I expect them to do so again in 2010. They’re likely to lose a number of aging stars in free agency, not the least of whom is Kevin Mawae, arguably the best center of the last decade. Moreover, they’re losing Kyle Vanden Bosch, who, though slipping, was still one of the bright spots on an otherwise quite bad defensive line. The Titans’ defense will greatly improve when it starts generating the same sort of pressure it did when it had Haynesworth, and Everson Griffen, a power rusher with enormous upside, could do just that next to Tony Brown.

Other Possibilities: Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho; Taylor Mays; Donovan Warren

17. San Francisco 49ers: Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State

For the second year in a row, the 49ers have the best receiver in the draft fall to them. They’ve got plenty of other needs, sure, and will certainly be tempted by the illusory talents of Taylor Mays. Along with the addition of Bulaga (and a comprehensive run game), Bryant will open the field for Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree, and despite his limited route tree will greatly expand the 49ers’ burgeoning spread offense.

Other Possibilities: Taylor Mays, Donovan Warren

18. Pittsburgh Steelers: Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers

The Steelers’ line problems are somewhat exaggerated by Roethlisberger’s release, which is somewhere between plate tectonics and icebergs in swiftness. The reality, though, is that Max Starks has to go if the Steelers expect to win another Super Bowl anytime soon. Davis isn’t a sure thing as his replacement, and has a reputation as a head case, but Starks simply isn’t a franchise left tackle, and Davis may be.

Other Possibilities: Dan Williams; Terrence Cody, NT, Alabama

19. Atlanta Falcons: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida

The Falcons have plenty of other problems, not the least of which is running back. They need to generate a better pass rush with their line if they want to keep running a Tampa-2, however, and though John Abraham is outstanding, he won’t be around forever. Pierre-Paul has been skyrocketing up draft charts for weeks now, and while I don’t buy the hype, necessarily, he’s been effective in a similar system and will complement Abraham nicely.

Other Possibilities: Jonathan Dwyer, HB, Georgia Tech; Ricky Sapp, DE, Clemson; Sean Weatherspoon

20. Houston Texans: Donovan Warren, CB, Michigan

Although Dunta Robinson used to seem like a good-to-great zone corner, injuries have slowed him tremendously and he’ll probably leave the team in free agency. Warren is the best corner available, and though Boise State’s Kyle Wilson may be better in a zone, Warren has a better all-around game and could provide a much-needed antidote for Houston’s pass defense woes.

Other Possibilities: Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State; Nate Allen, FS, South Florida; Ricky Sapp

21. Cincinnati Bengals: Jared Odrick, DT/DE, Penn State

I was shocked, when looking over the Bengals’ defense, at how roundly bad their defensive line is for such a good defense. Without Antwan Odom, they really struggled to rush the passer and keep offensive linemen off their linebackers. Penn State’s Jared Odrick has had some minor legal troubles, but he dominated LSU’s offensive line in the Capital One Bowl and is versatile enough to help several aspects of Cincy’s line.

Other Possibilities: Damian Williams; Taylor Mays

22. New England Patriots: Jahvid Best, RB, California

The Laurence Maroney experiment has long been a failure, and the Patriots have gotten by for years on the excellence of their offensive line masking the deficiencies of those running behind it. They don’t need a number one back as much as they need a home-run threat from their run game, one much aided by the spread offense the team uses. Although it seems like a reach, Best would be absolute dynamite for the Patriots’ offense, which is quickly becoming too one-dimensional.

Other Possibilities: Kyle Wilson; Jonathan Dwyer; Jerry Hughes, DE/OLB, TCU

23. Green Bay Packers: Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State

The Packers’ defense, rightly lauded in the earlier parts of last year, promptly rolled over and died when it faced two wide-open offenses in Pittsburgh and, memorably, Arizona. The secondary’s lack of depth was exposed, and Al Harris won’t be around much longer. Kyle Wilson is extremely promising, and learning the ropes from one of the best corner tandems of the decade will be enlightening.

Other Possibilities: Dan Williams; Carlos Dunlap, DE, Florida

24. Philadelphia Eagles: Carlos Dunlap, DE, Florida

I considered Taylor Mays for this pick, knowing how the Eagles prize speed and need more run support from their secondary. They also need someone to take the pressure off of the spectacular Trent Cole, however, to generate some pass rush so that the team’s aging secondary can return to form. Dunlap has huge question marks, but huge potential as well.

Other Possibilities: Taylor Mays, Sean Weatherspoon

25. Baltimore Ravens: Damian Williams, WR, USC

The Ravens have nothing to offer in their receiving corps, and if Derrick Mason finally hangs up his cleats, they’ll have less than nothing. Damian Williams is the most polished receiver in the draft, and would make an instant impact with his route running, strength, and ability to read defenses. He’s a lot like Mason, actually, and he’s a willing enough blocker to start on the Ravens’ offense from day one.

Other Possibilities: Brandon LaFell, WR, LSU; Arrelious Benn, WR, Illinois; Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma

26. Arizona Cardinals: Sergio Kindle, DE/OLB, Texas

I think that the Cardinals, more than any other playoff team, are going to fall, and hard. Between losing Kurt Warner and possibly Karlos Dansby and Antrel Rolle, the Buzzsaw is losing a lot of pieces from its smoke-and-mirrors success story. If Dansby leaves, the Cards are going to need a linebacker with his versatility and ability to rush the passer, and Kindle fits the bill. He’s more of an outside linebacker than defensive end, and his ability to cover and deal with the run will be critical to the Cards’ success.

Other Possibilities: Charles Brown, OT, USC; Sean Weatherspoon

27. Dallas Cowboys: Golden Tate, WR, Notre Dame

The Cowboys have very few weaknesses, but receiver, amazingly, is one of them. Outside of Miles Austin, the Cowboys have little to offer, and Golden Tate is the best receiver available. Arrelious Benn has more upside, certainly, but Tate, like Austin, is an extraordinary route runner and vertical threat. Unlike Benn, he’ll also willingly go over the middle. His blocking sucks, but he’ll have great success across from Miles Austin.

Other Possibilities: Arrelious Benn; Daryl Washington

28. San Diego Chargers: Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee

Jamal Williams is on the verge of retirement, and nothing hurt the Chargers last year quite like losing their mammoth nose tackle. Williams is the best nose tackle prospect, and while outside linebacker, to my endless delight, is also a huge need for the Chargers, they’ve got to shore up the middle of the defense.

Other Possibilities: Jerry Hughes; Jonathan Dwyer

29. New York Jets: Jerry Hughes, DE/OLB, TCU

The Jets don’t have a lot of needs, but rush linebacker could certainly use an upgrade. Hughes is an extraordinary player, and he’s got a mean streak and motor (to use some very original language) that Rex Ryan will appreciate. Hughes may be the surest bet amongst the stand-up pass rushers, and I trust that Ryan will use his versatility to its maximum potential.

Other Possibilities: Lamarr Houston, DE/DT, Texas

30. Minnesota Vikings: Mike Iupati

Missed in all the Pro Bowl selections was the fact that the Vikes’ line was really pretty bad last year; they missed center Matt Birk far more than expected. Steve Hutchinson is looking pretty much toast, and he’s not getting a lot of help from Bryant McKinnie to his left. The Vikings could use some help in the secondary, too, but their greatest long-term asset is Adrian Peterson, and he needs all the help he can get. Mike Iupati destroyed Senior Bowl practices but disappointed in the actual game; regardless, he’s got an extremely bright pro future, and will be an instant boon in the run game.

Other possibilities: Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma; Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida

31. Indianapolis Colts: Javier Arenas, CB, Alabama

The Colts lost the Super Bowl because of special teams and coaching, and have a great opportunity to improve the former by picking up Arenas. The best punt returner in college football history, Arenas made a huge impact despite sub-par blocking from Alabama’s special teams (something he’ll see plenty of with the Colts). The Colts also have had considerable problems with their nickel corner position, and Arenas could be an excellent nickel corner in the Colts’ zone scheme, even an eventual starter.

Other Possibilities: Maurkice Pouncey; Sean Weatherspoon

32. New Orleans Saints: Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri

The Saints have weaknesses at every level of the defense, from a lackluster defensive line to a lack of depth in the secondary. The real problem, though, is in the outside linebackers: Scott Shanle may be the worst OLB in the league, and though Scott Fujita’s blitzing played a big role in the Saints’ championship, its success was an anomaly. Sean Weatherspoon is the best coverage linebacker in the draft, as well as an extraordinarily driven leader who will gel nicely with Jon Vilma. He adds speed and blitzing ability to New Orleans’ perimeter, which in turn will allow much more creativity from Gregg Williams when designing coverage schemes.

Other Possibilities: Ricky Sapp; Navorro Bowman, OLB, Penn State

and all my instincts, they return.

2010-02-18T14:32:00.000-06:00

--I just finished my first mock draft, along with a list of the 20 best prospects in the draft. I'll put it up in a little while, and update it after next week's Combine/big free agent moves. Whether the workout warriors whose stocks rise become Mike Mamulas or Vernon Davises remains to be seen.

--For any fan of Roger Ebert (and as a used-to-be aspiring film critic, I'd certainly put myself in that category), this is a must-read.

--Stop while you can, Justin Vernon. There's no reason for you to turn into the next Travis Morrison (gone from one of the best lyricists in indie music to complete outcast).

--20th Century Ghosts was terrific, and deserving of much more than this little blurb. Joe Hill, Stephen King's son, has his father's talent for storytelling (not to mention the same blue-collar approach to horror) and subtle tenderness, along with an imagination that expands beyond the elder King's usual "What if?" premises. There's "Pop Art," about an inflatable boy and the nature of childhood; "Bobby Conroy Comes Back from the Dead," about lost love on the set of George Romero's Dawn of the Dead; "Last Breath," a little ode to Bradbury; and "Voluntary Committal," a novella about what it means to be a brother. These, along with a number of other excellent stories, make the book worth far more than the cost of admission.

--Having finished rereading The Inferno for class and with precious little time left before research and assigned readings consume the rest of my reading schedule, I'm tearing through Dan Simmons' The Terror. It's a meticulously researched horror novel about two ironclad steamboats, the HMS Terror and the HMS Erebus, that get stuck in the ice while searching for the Northwest Passage. In addition to the constant cold and darkness, and the threats of consumption, scurvy, and starvation, there's something out in the cold preying on the explorers. It's an awesome premise, and very well-written, especially in terms of narrative structure.

--I could almost fill out a playlist with misleading 80's (roughly speaking) love songs. "This Must Be the Place," "Every Breath You Take," "Love Will Tear Us Apart," and "In Your Eyes" would be the highlights. Also, how bad is that "In Your Eyes" video? Yowza.

i guess we'll just have to adjust.

2010-02-08T18:25:00.002-06:00

Going into the 4th quarter, the Super Bowl had given me absolutely everything I could have wanted. Manning and Brees were both flawless, and the Saints were pulling ahead. Fortunately, the tide continued to trend in the Saints' favor. Unfortunately for the Colts, it meant an embarrassing meltdown in coaching and execution, including a pick that some blithering idiots (as far as football goes, anyway) have already decided defines Manning's career.

Nothing could be further from the truth. As Aaron Schatz of Football Outsiders pointed out, we don't remember Favre by his Super Bowl loss to the Broncos. Manning is still the greatest quarterback to play the game, and there's no doubt in my mind that he'll get another ring--if not several--by the time he retires. Schatz's comment also served as a cagey reference to the historic similarities between the two games, which were one Reggie Wayne drop in the waning minutes from sharing the same final score (31-24).

Speaking of Reggie Wayne, let's get to some finer points:

For all my love of Wayne, he absolutely disappeared in this game. He was targeted eleven times, and, with one notable exception on a fourth-down slant, he couldn't produce. Tracy Porter, by no means the Saints' best DB, shut down someone I was ready to christen the best receiver in the game. Not to mention that Wayne's mistakes led to two of the biggest plays of the game: not coming back to the ball on The Pick That Broke Twitter, and dropping Manning's pass in the end zone at the end of the game.
Regardless of Wayne's struggles, Porter (and his hair) deserved MVP consideration. Vilma did too; despite some missed tackles, he eventually intimidated Manning out of the run game (not to mention outstanding coverage the entire game).
Is this a different game with Freeney full-speed? Yes, but I think it's worth noting that the Saints' best defender, Jabari Greer, was out for a series and the Colts essentially got a free TD out of it. Injuries generated points for both teams.
Pierre Thomas will join me in paradise.
Sean Payton, in case there was any doubt, is the best coach in the NFL. I can't tell you how many times I've doubted him the past four years, but seeing the plan finally coalesce this year (to go along with the league's biggest pair of balls, e.g. the onside kick) removed all doubt from my mind. He's reached the Dungy/Walsh level of reverence for me.
Chris Brown had a great point about Payton's aggressive style, too; the NFL being a copycat league, maybe we'll have a new wave of aggro-to-the-point-of-madness gameplans in the league. Fingers crossed.
Jim Caldwell - yikes, man. Peyton's call to go deep on 3rd-and-11 was ill-considered, but putting your faith in Abe Vigoda's leg strength, at a critical stage of the game, is unforgivable. I won't say I've got Larry Coker vibes, but it's definitely worrisome.
Roman Harper, Hank Baskett, Madam Stovatieri, and every outside linebacker in this game: pack shit, get out.
Both offensive lines, especially on the interior, get a huge tip of the cap.
So do Courtney Roby, Thomas Morstead, Garrett Hartley, Chris Reis and the rest of the Saints' special teams.
Deuce leaves with a ring. I can't tell you how much that means to me.
The Who looked pretty spry out there after an awful start.
The commercials were pretty hit or miss for me. Google killed it with their French ad, there was one good Dorito's ad out of the fifty they aired, and NFL Films made maybe the best commercial I've ever seen.
Finally, how nuts is it that Grizzly Bear and Arcade Fire (not to mention Stereolab) are on commercials these days? I must have heard "Wake Up" five times during the game. Fortunately, I can't think of a better song for the occasion.

There are more questions that need to be explored about both of these teams' futures, which I'll address as we approach the Draft. For now, I can only cherish the victory, and bask in the triumph of the unlikely.

will you feel better, will you feel anything at all?

2010-02-03T23:22:00.002-06:00

In the days before Facebook, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, I made a livejournal account. I can't remember exactly when and have long since deleted the thing, so I'm assuming sometime during freshman year of high school. I don't remember what its name was, either (probably something along the lines of "Walter Explains it All" after my preteen idol, Melissa Joan Hart), but I definitely remember the picture I used for it, the cover to King Crimson's In the Court of the Crimson King. I haven't changed much in that respect, and I think we're lucky that I never got into Mars Volta, because that could have just as easily been a Goldfinger'd Telly Savalas.

The livejournal, from what I can remember, was a very accurate reflection of me at the time: imbued with faux wordliness, given to occasional and grandiose mood swings, and self-assured to the point of arrogance. Should I have found myself in a Greek tragedy, my exaggerated estimation of my self-worth could have been a real problem. In high school it won me friends and a small following. The notion that you're perpetually right is equal parts narcotic and panacea, and at the time I didn't realize the irony of pretending to be an intellectual in order to keep myself from thinking.

Not that I was appreciably happier at the time. I was very attached to this poisonous idea that I was, to paraphrase Sam Beam, brave but all alone. It wasn't enough for people to see how right I was; they had to appreciate the depths of my rightness, and I had a fatalistic understanding that they - whoever "they" happened to be - never could know those depths. I was cursed with the dual burdens of excessive knowledge and the duty of enlightening my fellow man, no matter how hard it might be for them to accept it.

I certainly wasn't right about many things. In most cases, I was hilariously wrong. This version of Walter, brimming with confidence, was the same Walter who defended to no end the Bush administration's policies at home and abroad, who dared not question the intellectual honesty of Fox News, who smugly took pleasure in seeing the great den of iniquity that was New Orleans drown in its own filth. In retrospect, I can thank this experience for letting me understand the rampant dishonesty of the Keith Olbermanns and Bill O'Reillys of the world. Because for all my pretensions to the contrary, for all my hatred of the white lies of social nicety, I was a liar, one of the very worst stripe: a liar who's convinced that he's spreading the truth.

My ability to persuade people rested, for a very long time, in what amounted to bluffs in which I was very emotionally invested. I could convince people largely because I had convinced myself, and I still on occasion lie casually without realizing I'm lying at all. Fortunately, the seemingly impenetrable wall of self-satisfaction I had erected around myself was shattered by my making of a Beatrice out of one girl, my father's illness forcing me to grow up, my taking to heart Socrates' admonition to examine life, and my eventual love - the truth of which I believe in to this day - for a different girl.

What followed were a few years in the relative wilderness, as I lost a good portion of my following at school while reconciling myself with a latent distrust of the philosophical and political foundations of my old self. I learned to appreciate a number of things I never had time for in the past, not the least of which was the beauty, complexity, and perfect honesty of sports, particularly football. Throw in my budding appreciation of Faulkner, Eliot and other members of the canon, and I began to match my pretensions to intellectualism with a little substance.

More importantly, I grew as a writer. I exchanged vitriol for thoughtfulness, emotion for discipline. A more open attitude towards the world around me led to a thought process that was both more orderly and more creative than before. And, as I learned when I recently looked over some old writing, it led to a writing process that was far more accomplished stylistically.

The end result is that I've sacrificed unwavering confidence in my writing for thoughtfulness and intellectual honesty. I've been accused of lacking some backbone in some of my writing, but as someone who is no stranger to overweening confidence, I can say that I'm not the least bit tempted to go back to my old style of writing and thought. And frankly, when you find someone who is completely and utterly self-assured in his writing, you ought to go into each essay with the assumption that at least half of what you're reading is bullshit of the rankest sort. The chance that you're being taken for a ride is simply too great not to.

with no berlin wall, what the hell you gonna do?

2010-01-29T14:07:00.009-06:00

--Gabe & co. are KILLING IT at Videogum right now. I cite as evidence:

This terrific preview of Lost's sixth and final season (I'm pumped!!!!).
Gabe found a textbook example of why the internet is bad for you.
One of many great party games.
And some great investigative work on Kirstie Alley's quest to wrest the title of "the worst" from Nancy Grace.

--Jeff Beck just won 2010, everyone. As if there was any doubt that he would.

--The very best idea in sports. Nnamdi is henpecked, Elvis is perturbed, Tashard is stirred up, Trent is the best, and Brian Dawkins is insane.

--Read some of my old writing earlier today. Yikes.

--Some nicknames:

MLB:

Kevin Youkilis – The Romanian Tickler, the Butcher of Bucharest

Grant Balfour – Is Going to Put a Ball Through Your Fucking Skull, Don’t Look Grant Balfour in the Eyes

C.C. Sabathia – Ruben Studdard

NFL:

Miles Austin – WNBA

Peyton Manning – Dougie Fresh, MFIC

Reggie Wayne – Lando Calrissian

Jon Vilma – Master Splinter

Aaron Rodgers – Temp, Mr. Frodo, the Lothlorien Leap

Jeremy Shockey – The Frederic Chopin of Tight Ends

Kerry Collins – Albi, Ratfink

NBA:

Tim Duncan – Dr. Manhattan (for that matter, Kobe as Ozymandias, KG as Rorschach, and Allen Iverson/Gil Arenas as the Comedian all work)

JR Smith -- The O Rly Factor

Ersan Ilyasova – The Night Stalker

Gerald Wallace – Sweaty Molasses

Rasheed Wallace – Typhoid Sheed

Monta Ellis -- Fenster

Hedo Turkoglu – Ball.

--The Wire/Sopranos comparison and eventual Room guide will have to wait. Too much work to do over the weekend.

everything is divided, nothing is complete.

2010-01-25T17:15:00.009-06:00

--I’ve said in the past that it’s really pretty easy to root for both the Colts and the Saints. Not only are they in different conferences and accordingly don’t play each other much, but the prospect of the Saints getting to the Super Bowl at all (let alone playing the Colts in it) seemed inherently ridiculous. But there was a lurking anxiety throughout this season that the two teams—both franchises arguably having their most successful seasons ever—were on a collision course, and we’re now officially two weeks away.

I couldn’t really be happy after the NFC Championship game, even though it was an incredible milestone for the Saints to make their first Super Bowl berth. It wasn’t because I felt the Vikings had dominated the game. It wasn’t because the normally unstoppable Saints offense sputtered yet again against a Cover-2 defense with a stout defensive line (nothing to worry about going up against the Colts). It wasn’t because I had witnessed a maestro performance from Peyton Manning against the best defense in football (and a similar one, schematically and philosophically speaking, to the Saints) hours earlier.

I couldn’t be happy because I’m slowly beginning to realize that this is probably the best team the Saints will ever field. This is their peak, and as loveable, lucky, and occasionally brilliant as they’ve been, I don’t think it will be enough. I think they’re going to lose this Super Bowl—possibly the only one they’ll ever reach—and I think it’s going to happen at the hands of my favorite athlete. In everyday terms it’d be bittersweet, but in the world of sports fandom it’s a cruel, cruel irony.

--I’ve been reading 20th Century Ghosts, a short story collection by Joe Hill, and have really enjoyed each story thus far. They’re allegedly horror stories, but more often than not they’re simply weird, and weirdly sentimental. “Pop Art,” in particular, is a damn fine story; it’s like Bentley Little’s heart grew three sizes.

--I want to like The Roots, but slam poetry sucks.

--Jay-Z, The Clash, and Outkast have been in heavy rotation on my iPod. Madvillain and Girl Talk aren’t to be slept on, either.

--I saw (and highly enjoyed) Pan’s Labyrinth and (500) Days of Summer in the last few weeks. Guillermo Del Toro, even when he’s expanding on bad ideas, is endlessly entertaining to me; Joseph Gordon-Levitt, meanwhile, is quietly establishing himself (even with appearances in movies like G.I. Joe) as one of the best actors (if not the best) of his generation.

--Coming up later this week: a compendium of lesser-known athlete nicknames, a comparison of the first seasons of The Sopranos and The Wire, and (possibly) an exhaustive guide to Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

my top ten albums of fiscal year 2009.

2010-01-14T21:46:00.004-06:00

I’ve come to dread doing these, because my list of mistakes just keeps growing. The first, and most egregious, was putting a middling Genesis album in the top spot of my first list instead of Sufjan Stevens’ Illinois, arguably the best album of the decade. I think Return to Cookie Mountain (which is in the same conversation as Illinois) made an honorable mention on that same list, and just last year I said with total confidence that Dear Science was the best TV on the Radio album, whereas now it’s in contention for third place for me. I hope that you guys will be as gracious with this list as you’ve been with those in the past, and, more importantly, that you enjoy it.

The rules: The ten best albums (plus five honorable mentions) I picked up in one year, regardless of when they came out. No two albums from the same band. No best-ofs. No games. No drama.

Honorable Mentions:

15. Dirty Projectors – Bitte Orca (2009)
14. Panda Bear – Person Pitch (2007)
13. Nick Drake - Pink Moon (1972)
12. Iggy Pop - Lust For Life (1977)
11. The Rural Alberta Advantage - Hometowns (2008)

10. The Velvet Underground – The Velvet Underground & Nico (1967)

“And what shall she do when midnight comes around?"

If someone from Rolling Stone were to see that I didn’t rate this album any higher than I have, they’d throw what scientists call a hissy fit and give me three and a half stars out of five, just like everything else. This album was groundbreaking, and I don’t mean that in a head-patting, they-didn’t-know-any-better-back-then sort of way; the musical conceit behind “Heroin,” for example, is satisfying every time I listen to it, as are the darker corners of Lou Reed’s imagination. Moreover, there are plenty of tracks that are gorgeous and haunting, in no small part due to the fact that they’re all mono and sound, in a way, like a relic that’s still powerful; I’m sure I’m not the first one to draw this comparison, but it’s the Cthulhu of albums.

The Velvet Underground & Nico drops a few points because of inconsistency. There are a few downsides to sounding like you’re from the Sixties, especially when your lasting impact is your originality, and “I’ll Be Your Mirror,” “There She Goes,” et al. really sound dated. Meanwhile, there are some occasions where the album gets very juvenile; not, I would argue, in terms of its racy subject matter (drugs, BDSM), but rather in its occasionally grating experimentation (the unlistenable “European Song” comes to mind). Ultimately, it’s an occasionally extraordinary album whose lasting influence doesn’t disguise some very real flaws.

9. Wolf Parade – Apologies to the Queen Mary (2005)

“Give me your eyes, I need sunshine”

The second Canadian supergroup to grace this list in as many years, Wolf Parade is a collaboration between the spacey Spencer Krug (now fronting Sunset Rubdown) and the more rockist Dan Boeckner, who share vocals and songwriting duties between them. There are some consistent themes—notably a very Thom Yorkey alienation from modernization—but the real pleasures in the album come when you see the two leads’ sensibilities meshing into something altogether better than what they are apart. There are plenty of examples, but the best are “Shine a Light,” a Boeckner piece that’s vastly improved by Krug’s backing vocals and accompanying synth, and “I’ll Believe in Anything,” a tremendously powerful Krug song that simply wouldn’t be the same without Boeckner’s driving guitar. Taken separately, Boeckner’s work is generally too straightforward and Krug’s too unfocused to be of any lasting interest; taken together, they make for something that’s consistently good and sometimes transcendent.

8. Andrew Bird – Noble Beast (2009)

“Comes—and—goes”

We got another strong effort from Andrew Bird this year, which has become something of a biennial tradition. The story on Bird has been that he’s eclectic, like David Bowie but with a violin instead of a saxophone and hipsterism instead of freaky-deekiness; this is a theory I used to buy into, and there’s an obvious disconnect between the two halves of his career. What we didn’t realize at the time, however, was that his occasional tweaks (guitar on Armchair Apocrypha! Less whistling! More whistling!) haven’t been very substantive changes at all, and that the essential Bird formula of wordplay, pop sensibility, and use of untraditional rock instruments/sampling has remained intact ever since Weather Systems.

Taking that into account, Noble Beast is simultaneously satisfying and disappointing. On the one hand, we’ve got Bird’s best album yet, depending on how you feel about The Swimming Hour, featuring him at both his most inventive (“Anonanimal”) and sonically gorgeous (“Natural Disaster” is one of several contenders). On the other hand, it’s not the radical step forward that we all expected after The Mysterious Production of Eggs, and as Bird continues to put out albums like this, those expectations grow ever more muted.

7. Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion (2009)

“We’ll feel sublime”

I don’t know if I’ve ever heard such an incredible disparity between the complexity of an album’s music and the simplicity of its lyrics. And those lyrics—the only thing keeping this album from climbing higher on the list—range from good (“Summertime Clothes”) to serviceable (“My Girls”) to abjectly poor (“Daily Routine”). Meanwhile the soaring vocals, thumping beats, and creative sampling combine to form something that’s both unique and uniquely delightful. The bridge in the very sweet “Brother Sport,” for instance, is like injecting cotton candy-flavored adrenaline into your eyeballs, or like tattoos of the word “COCAINE!” suddenly appearing on your chest in all the colors of the rainbow. I know I’m the only one who doesn’t consider AC a part of the indie pantheon, but I think that if their lyricism ever starts to rival their musical creativity (a la TV on the Radio) they’ll be first-ballot. We’re looking for all-around game, folks, all-around game.

6. Radiohead – In Rainbows (2007)

“How come I end up where I started?”

Hail to the Thief was trumpeted as Radiohead’s return to their more traditional rock orientation after Kid A; even accepting that premise (and I’m not sure that I do), In Rainbows stands as a much more complete synthesis of 90’s Radiohead and 00’s Radiohead. Like every Radiohead album, it’s remarkably consistent, although some songs, like the incredible “Videotape,” benefit from having above-average lyrics for a band that doesn’t seem as committed to that aspect of songwriting as it used to be. Generally speaking, In Rainbows offers most of Radiohead’s old signatures (anxiety about modernization, Thom Yorke’s fabulous vocals, great work on lead guitar and synthesizers from the Greenwoods) combined with the experimentalism and impeccable production of Kid A. It’s no surprise, then, that it’s such a good album; it may suffer from a lack of singularly great tracks (it’s not OK Computer, after all), but it’s another solid effort from the best band of our generation.

5. TV on the Radio – Young Liars EP (2003)

“I will be calmer than cream, making maps out of your dreams”

I’ve said in the past that when I listen to jazz, it’s like hearing people speaking beautifully in a language I can’t quite understand; I can certainly appreciate the mood of the conversation, but the nuances are beyond me. Some musicians, like Charles Mingus, have a passion or a wit that’s too strong to be ignored, and they convey a depth of emotion that you really can’t miss. Which brings us to TVOTR’s Young Liars EP; even though it’s occasionally obtuse to the point of being enigmatic, it has the unmistakable power that’s come to define TVOTR’s sound. Each track—from the irresistible opener “Satellite,” to the churning title track, to the brilliant doo-wop cover of “Mister Grieves”—would be a highlight on any other album, and together they constitute TVOTR’s most consistent piece of work, which, coming from a devotee, is no small compliment. Per tradition, however, EPs are secondary citizens on these lists, and even one as good as Young Liars won’t get past fifth.

4. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago (2008)

“This is not the sound of a new man, or crispy realization”

If you could generate power off of misery, these next three albums could fuel a small island nation for the remainder of the century.

Some people, when they’re reeling from heartache, will watch Friends reruns and obsess over the ongoing Sam and Diane-ing of the zany but loveable roommates. Some people will shoot heroin and listen to Bitches Brew. If you’re like me, you try to work in a little of both. If you’re like Justin Vernon, you go into the woods for three months and write an unspeakably beautiful break-up album that combines love songs with pastoral elegies. There’s just so much to recommend in the album: it’s simultaneously gorgeous and heartbreaking, straightforward and multifaceted, subtle and powerful. The only real flaw in For Emma is that while it’s nothing if not consistent, its peaks (“Skinny Love” and the title track) give rise to expectations that are greater than the rest of the album can possibly live up to.

3. Modest Mouse – The Moon and Antarctica (2000)

“If you could be anything you’d be disappointed, am I right?”

The constant in The Moon and Antarctica is, as with For Emma and I See a Darkness, its unrelenting bleakness, its focus on isolation, meaninglessness, and shame. Just about everything else is inconsistent, leading to a few forgettable tracks, particularly a dragging third act that makes the album seem even longer than it already is. But those songs that manage to do more than take advantage of Isaac Brock’s trembling voice, snaking guitars, and clever lyrics? The ones that convey a level of emotional vulnerability and honesty that only one or two albums, in my experience, can really match? Those are the songs that reinforced a legion of You Sold Outers created by The Lonesome Crowded West. They’re songs that entrance you with tiny, bitter flames that create something truly unforgettable when they flare up.

2. Bonnie “Prince” Billy – I See A Darkness (1999)

“Smile a while, forget the bile, and watch it all come down”

Imagine, then, an album that combined the consistency of For Emma and the emotional impact of Moon, and you’d get I See a Darkness. Will Oldham (the bonnie prince himself) inherits country music’s paradoxical values of stoicism and misery, and the result is a very subdued album. The impact is all the greater, then, when Oldham’s emotions peak through his web of hazy lyrics and hushed vocals, and we hear the seething emotion underneath. Nowhere is this more evident than the title track and “Nomadic Revery (All Around),” the latter of which inspired, however subconsciously, the theme of that nonfiction essay I wrote. It took me a very long time to understand both the surface meaning of each song and the tragic undercurrent beneath them; the result I’ve discovered is, I think, the perfect synthesis of Justin Vernon and Isaac Brock’s approaches to these fundamental themes of grief and solitude. We may live in a world where our closest friends are sometimes only “someone nice to hide” us, but there’s no reason we can’t embrace its beauty and defy its ugliness.

1. Talking Heads – Remain in Light (1980)

“I’m walking a line—divide and dissolve”

I’ve talked at length about Remain in Light already, but if it’s not my favorite album (In the Aeroplane Over the Sea and Return to Cookie Mountain are certainly in the conversation) then it’s awfully close. I’ve never really heard anything else quite like it—I can’t think of a harder album to imitate—which might be why it still sounds so fresh after 30 years. It’s either that or the inventive and endlessly funky rhythms, the poignant lyrics, or that Remain in Light is the lasting testament of a great band at the very height of its powers.

your old man was but a wishing machine.

2010-01-13T19:08:00.003-06:00

--Rien n'arrete nos espirits. That's French for "it's Haitian Fight Song time, y'all."

Haitian Fight Song - Charles M...

Spence Hall's got a helpful post on the most effective ways to donate to Haiti relief.

--In less dramatic news, LOL WTF Pete Carroll and Lane Kiffin? Those really were both big surprises, especially Carroll, who's apparently under the impression that they give phantom national titles in the NFL. As for Tennessee fans, I wish I could say I feel sorry for you, but your AD went all-in on a mercenary (and an unsuccessful one at that), and sometimes that doesn't work out. It is my sincere hope that college football fans in the South will get to reap a perfect storm of haterdom, and see Tennessee, Lane Kiffin, and SoCal suffer in the next few years.

--Blake Griffin has gone Defcon-Oden, and will miss the entirety of his rookie season. Hello, guaranteed Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans; goodbye, fantasy basketball ace in the hole.

--It is, as always, all about the U. Reggie Wayne is my favorite athlete who doesn't wear the number 18, 9, 3, or 5. He's the coolest cat around.

--I'll have my top ten albums of last year up either later tonight or tomorrow afternoon, depending on if I stall out on something (as I have done repeatedly in the course of trying to write this thing).

thank you for taking my hands, young liars.

2010-01-08T14:29:00.008-06:00

A requiem for a season:

As other, more mathematically-inclined bloggers have pointed out, the mythical national championship game was an essentially appropriate ending to this college football season: predictable before, cruel and boring throughout, and unsatisfying after. McCoy's injury provides the ultimate example, of course, of the absurd and unfair nature of the Football Fates, the one eye they pass between them falling on Colt McCoy at the worst possible time. McCoy's presence wouldn't have necessarily saved Texas in that game, but the fact that he never even got the chance is as fitting a symbol for this season as I can think of.

This certainly isn't meant to take anything away from Alabama's team, which would in any year be one of the most dominant in the country. At its worst, the defense was merely stifling. At its best, it mangled any quarterback, enveloped any receiver, demolished any halfback, and humiliated any offensive line that it came across. Despite the loss of Dont'a Hightower, Bama realized its potential in a way that few other teams managed to this year, and that's why they hoisted the crystal ball. It's worth noting that Alabama did all of this not with a sneer, but with consummate professionalism; even so, Alabama was equally hard to like as it was to hate. The team was simply a force of nature, and there was no use fighting that sinking feeling when it asked your team the most they ever lost on a coin toss.

What, then, were the disappointments? How about the college football-viewing public only recognizing a true defensive phenomenon in the penultimate game of his career? How about Sam Bradford's injury robbing college football of one of its greatest villains' (Oklahoma) chance of competing? How about Robert Griffin's torn ACL? How about the tragedy of the speed backs: Jahvid Best's injury depriving us of a true showman; Noel Devine never realizing his potential; and CJ Spiller, the Dwyane Wade of college football, being failed time and again by his teammates. How about Julio Jones' regression, A.J. Green's injuries, and Dez Bryant's suspension? How about Florida failing to achieve the promises of its insane talent and ending up an also-ran instead of one of the greatest college football teams ever? How about Ole Miss spectacularly living up to the worst-kept secret of the preseason, which was that they weren't actually very good at all?

How about the failure of the outsiders? Miami, Georgia Tech, Oregon, Stanford, and Iowa, despite intermittent teases, couldn't change the chalky status quo in college football. It certainly isn't as disappointing as 2007, when West Virginia, South Florida, and Oregon all failed to shock the world and move us away from a nucleus of USCs, Ohio States, and Floridas, but it leaves the whole viewing community wanting. Let's not even start on the mid-majors.

2009 didn't offer us anything we couldn't have found in the last five years. CJ Spiller put his name into the conversation for RB of the decade, but didn't Shonn Greene last year and Darren McFadden the year before offer us similar team-carrying bonanzas? Ndamukong Suh had an incredible season, but I could point you to Eric Berry last year or Glenn Dorsey the year before. Alabama-Tennessee was a great game, but not compared to Iowa-Penn St. last year or Florida-LSU the year before. What QB burned as brightly as Tebow in 2007 or Young in 2005? Maybe it's not fair to expect this out of the game, but outside of LSU I watch college football for spectacle, and can't really say I got it.

Then what did we learn? The SEC, despite having its fourth champion in as many years (and from a third university, no less), has been on a gradual (and inevitable) conference-wide decline from the extraordinary competitiveness of 2007, but the signs for the future look rosy enough. Based on an excellent bowl performance, the Big Televen seems to be rising from the ashes of its dismal national reputation, and will as always be riding the coattails of its favorite son Ohio State and feted man-child Terrelle Pryor. The ACC is where it's always been because of Miami, Va. Tech, Georgia Tech's shortcomings, and things look as bad as ever for the Big East. The Big 12 will suffer from a talent drain like the Pac-10 did last year, while the Pac-10 looks more and more like ACC West.

The theme of the season has been failure and disappointment, and that's not just coming from an LSU fan. Traditional powers remain in decline, the ruling class dwindles, and this year's seniors and juniors, whose ranks included some of the very best to play the game, never gave us the clash of the titans we wanted and expected. Instead, an undeniably effective--and undeniably boring, to non-fans--team stands supreme, the result of excellent defense; ladies and gentlemen, the San Antonio Spurs!

Here's to next season, everyone. I remain, as always, cautiously optimistic.

like a track team, crack fiend, dying to geek.

2009-12-18T20:17:00.004-06:00

Sorry for the lack of postage, it's been celebration time ever since I finished my exams. Just like always after a layoff, instead of an actual post, here's some:

--Youtubery, the "they didn't expect this internet thing to pan out" edition:

--With the right equipment, the image could be enlarged and sharpened.

--I'm expecting The Room, Tommy Wiseau's quirky black comedy, to be delivered in the next few days. My excitement is palpable.

(a thousand hat tips to EDSBS and Videogum).

you're a liar and that's the truth, you're an extra lost in the scene.

2009-12-10T13:40:00.003-06:00

--NBA geopolitics are crystallizing pretty quickly.

The Lakers are the lone superpower; they haven't been road tested, but I have my doubts about whether that will matter in the long run. This team just looks unstoppable.
The Celtics and the Magic are the most likely spoilers. The former absolutely have to have everyone healthy and focused when the playoffs roll around, and the latter have to find a way to incorporate Jameer Nelson into their offense once he returns from injury.

The Durantulas (OKC), Phoenix, and Houston are looking like teams you really don't want to run across in the playoffs.
The Hornets are, a quarter of the way into the season, finally looking like they're ready for it. Chris Paul is the best player in the basketball.
How's Shaq working out for you, Cavs? Is it finally not 2000 anymore?

--NFL geopolitics are also quite clear by now. It's a Cold War between the Saints and the Colts, who definitely look to be on a collision course. The Colts' traditional playoff foes, the Steelers and the Patriots, are both reeling, and the Saints' greatest challengers, the Vikings, just got blown out on national television.

--Suh for Heisman. If not him, Gerhart. If not Gerhart, Spiller, who didn't even get the invite to New York.

--This is awesome, both as a "Justin Vernon is a really cool guy" story and as a potentially very interesting musical exercise.

--And now a Larry Bird story, via Wikipedia: During one game on Christmas Day against the Indiana Pacers, before the game Bird told Chuck Person that he had a Christmas present waiting for him. During the game, when Person was on the bench, Bird shot a three-pointer on the baseline right in front of Person. Immediately after releasing the ball, Bird said to Person, "Merry fuckin' Christmas!", and then the shot went in. This was no doubt inspired by Person (nicknamed the "Rifleman") stating prior to the game that "The Rifleman is Coming, and He's Going Bird Hunting."

florabamageddon 2: the quickening.

2009-12-04T21:12:00.005-06:00

For the second year in a row, the biggest game of the year is the SEC Championship, and for the second year in a row it's between Florida and Alabama. Last year, the Gators managed to win despite the loss of All-Everything hybrid wideout Percy Harvin to glass bone syndrome; this year, they attempt the same despite the loss of defensive end Carlos Dunlap to serious brain cramps (a DUI a week before the biggest game of the season).

Last year, the story was very much Nick Saban's defense versus Urban Meyer's offense. With the losses of Harvin and offensive coordinator Dan Mullen, however, the Fightin' Tebows have suffered a precipitous decline on offense, the result of deficiencies in pass protection and playcalling diversity (divey dive dive TEBOW SMASH Aaron Hernandez post route divey dive dive kooky option). Florida's defense, however, is a mangler of untold proportions. Saban's defense is certainly nasty and executes better than anyone else in the country, but Charlie Strong's is undoubtedly the more creative, more explosive, and dirtier of the two. If you buy into this game as a duel between Mark Ingram and Tim Tebow, I think you'll be gravely disappointed.

The biggest weakness for both offenses is pass protection. Tebow holds the ball awfully long and isn't asked to make many calls at the line, but that doesn't excuse the complete inability of his line to diagnose and prepare against even simple blitzes or the inability of his receivers to get a quick release. Bama's offensive line, meanwhile, starts two reprehensibly bad tackles in James Carpenter and Drew Davis, who are susceptible not only to getting fooled, but also to simply getting beat man-to-man on pass plays.

Both defenses can capitalize on this weakness. Bama's M.O. is traditionally to play one safety deep and one safety in the middle on expected running downs, and to aggressively zone blitz out of a three-deep zone on passing downs. In this game, however, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Saban blitzing with only one deep safety and putting his best corner, Kareem Jackson, on Aaron Hernandez. Mississippi State had considerable success against Florida (as did Ole Miss the year before) by playing an extraordinarily aggressive Cover-0 (pure man coverage and blitzes) against Tebow. Bama LB Rolando McClain is one of the few matches for Tebow in terms of shutting down his run game, and if the rest of Bama's linebackers are prepared for the varieties of Tebow's options, it could be extraordinarily difficult for the Gators to move the ball.

Florida's defense, even without Dunlap, will still get pressure on Bama's offense. Auburn gave teams the recipe for shutting down Mark Ingram--run blitzing to his side and playing out of your skin--and Florida has the skill in the secondary to cover Bama's excellent receivers man-to-man as long as they need to. McElroy misses Jones, Hanks and Maze when they're open and he's not pressured--what do you expect him to do once he's battered and confused and they're tightly covered? Moreover, Florida's defense can and will capitalize on errant throws from the less-than-accurate Bama QB, and Charlie Strong could get very nasty if he doesn't feel he has to respect the run. The only way I've seen Florida's defense beaten over the past year and a half is assignment breakdowns, created mainly through successful play-action fakes; therefore it's imperative that Mark Ingram and Treeent Richardson get touches early and often, preferably by running the crap out of the ball.

I think, like most people, that we're in for a defensive struggle. Though Bama is prolific at forcing turnovers, they don't turn them into points as effectively as Florida does, and I think that will be the difference in this game. Barring a transcendent game from Tebow or Ingram (certainly not beyond the realm of possibility for those talents), we're in for a real slog of a game. Offensive points will be extraordinarily hard to come by, and whoever ends up with the most spare change will end up in the mythical national championship.

My prediction: Florida's secondary and Brandon Spikes will be the difference, scoring a critical defensive touchdown to seal the game for the Gators. 17-10, Florida. Don't worry, Bama fans; even if your team loses, I trust in your ability to live in the past.

you've got to enjoy the little things.

2009-12-04T20:12:00.005-06:00

Zombieland is a zomromcom in the tradition of Shaun of the Dead, another very clever, very reverent pastiche of zombie movie tropes. Though not without its flaws, the film is a unique and occasionally hilarious take on very well-tread cinematic territory.

Jesse "Not Michael Cera" Eisenberg plays a nebbishy survivor of a zombie apocalypse (beautifully introduced through the opening credits) who meets up with a big dumb yet supremely confident son of the soil (Woody Harrelson) and a pair of con artist sisters (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin). Eisenberg has managed to survive the zombie apocalypse through a series of rules ("Cardio," "Always check the back seat," "Beware of bathrooms") that hearken simultaneously to precedents in a thousand zombie movies and to Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide. Although I was initially wary of Eisenberg's narration, he and his character definitely grew on me as the movie went on. Like everyone else, though, he takes a backseat to Woody Harrelson's Tallahassee ("When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets a new standard for 'not to be fucked with'"), the film's Phillip Seymour Hoffman Memorial Designated Supporting Character Who's Far More Interesting Than the Protagonists, who consciously one-ups himself in terms of spectacular zombie kills and who paints the number 3 on the side of every vehicle he commandeers.

Zombie films, when they're "about" anything, tend to concern either stupidly earnest social commentary (We're the zombies!) or character sketches about survivors. That Zombieland ends up in the latter camp is no surprise; that it's so unexpectedly sweet--even sentimental--is. The film examines the relationships between the four survivors as they slowly develop into a sort of impromptu family, but the erratic spurts of establishing trust really bog down the movie in places, not to mention the romantic subplot between Eisenberg and Stone the movie needlessly shoehorned in. At its best, though, the movie takes full advantage of the social wasteland to show how four people stuck in various stages of arrested development grow up together, sometimes very poignantly; unlike the vast majority of zombie movies, the film makes it extraordinarily difficult to root against the protagonists.

The comedy is more hit than miss, with some very funny, self-aware scenes revolving around Eisenberg's rules for dealing with zombies. Woody Harrelson gets some of the best lines, and the scene of him drying his tears with hundred-dollar bills still puts a smile on my face. Some of the jokes are duds, though, especially the kind that come out of Abigail Breslin's mouth or that have to do with Twinkies. There's a cameo in the movie (which will probably already have been spoiled for you by the time you see the movie) that works extremely well for some people, but not for me. Overall, the movie has more than enough choice lines to make up for the flat ones.

And the zombies? They're inexplicably gooey, and not terribly scary. In fact, very little in this movie is rooted in the standard doom-and-gloom-and-eek-zombies formula you find in most zombie films, save for when Eisenberg first learns about the outbreak of the contagion. There's plenty of gore and airborne fluids (again, in the fantastic opening credits montage), but the filmmakers are thankfully far more interested in their characters than in stupid "gotcha" scares.

Despite its uneven second act and some extremely convenient plot turns, Zombieland is a fine movie. There are some absolutely priceless lines of dialogue ("Fuck this clown!") and every cast member is comfortable in their role by the end of the movie; throw in some sweet if blunt examinations of family, and you end up with a pretty rewarding movie. B+ (worth the dollar).

so it wasn't a game, cracking all the mirrors in shame.

2009-12-02T21:34:00.006-06:00

Since I don't have much insight to give everybody today, I can only post that which brings me the most joy in this world, delightful youtubery:

--A Thanksgiving miracle!

--I had pretty much assumed that this was how it went down.

--This is about how I feel about metal in general.

--From what I've heard, they never mention this again in the movie.

--I can't believe I had never heard of this movie and Tommy Wiseau's caveman hair before today. Seriously, it's the gift that keeps on giving (topical!). I have an extremely hard time believing that almost the entire cast had never been in a feature length film before.

--The Room's staunchest competition, though? MKA, baby.

--And finally, some Bynumite, ladies and gentlemen.

Coming up tomorrow and Friday: a Zombieland review and a preview of the SEC Championship.

38-17.

2009-11-30T22:35:00.002-06:00

To quote Matt Millen: "Statement game, shmatement game." That was one hell of a shmatement game. Unstoppable offense and AGGRO-CRAG defense from a team that isn't even at full strength. I couldn't be more excited.

lord, how i want to be in that number when the sun refuse to shine.

2009-11-30T13:53:00.006-06:00

Since their inaugural season in 1967, the New Orleans Saints have been unparalleled at one thing. Unlike the Pittsburgh Steelers, it hasn't been excellent defense. Unlike the Indianapolis Colts, it hasn't been for quarterbacks who have defined entire eras. Few Saints have been placed in the pantheon of great players, and no one has ever referred to the Superdome in the same hushed tones as Lambeau.

This is because the one thing that the Saints have been known for throughout their history is a thorough mastery of the art of losing. They have lost in humiliating fashion in important games. They have lost agonizingly close heartbreakers to inferior competition. Out of 42 seasons, only nine have been winning; out of eight playoff games, there have only been two wins. It goes without saying that the Saints have not appeared in a Super Bowl, one of five teams with membership in that exclusive club.

This is not to say that the Saints have been completely unsuccessful as a franchise. They still hold the record (shared with Denver) for the longest field goal ever made, and fielded for half a decade the best linebacking corps of all time, the Dome Patrol. Through a not inconsequential amount of luck, they managed their first playoff win ever in 2001 over a heavily-favored Rams team. And despite an inauspicious beginning, they won Sean Payton's first playoff game through franchise touchdown leader Deuce McAllister's heroics.

This year, however, is different. For the first time since the dissolution of the Dome Patrol, the Saints may be the best team in the league. Their defense, when healthy, is not to be trifled with; free-agent acquisition Darren Sharper is a Defensive Player of the Year candidate, and is only ninety yards shy of resetting the interception return yardage record for a single season. The offense, as Saints fans have grown accustomed to seeing under Sean Payton, is the most varied and efficient in the league, with potential Pro Bowlers littering the offensive line, wide receiving corps, and backfield. In addition, the Saints have unprecedented depth on both sides of the ball, and are undefeated despite key injuries and a difficult schedule.

The 2009 Saints, while possibly contending for the meaningless mantle of "America's Team," are not simply a feel-good story, as the 2006 team was, not a flash in the pan. This team is a wrecking force on both sides of the ball, the culmination of years of intelligent draft moves and free agent pickups. The close calls the Saints have suffered this season can be chalked up to injury and fluke turnovers--the hallmark of a great team is resilience in the face of both. Their greatest challenge looming before the playoffs is a home game against the New England Patriots, who remain one of the elite teams in the league.

My sentiments against the Patriots are well-documented. I believe that, despite being the team of the decade, they are a thoroughly unlikeable bunch who won their titles through underhanded tactics (read: cheating), dirty defense, and unwatchable, risk-averse offense. The one year that their offense lived up to its hallowed quarterback's reputation, the Patriots assumed the sneering persona of their head coach, and were vindicated for it by a media hype machine the likes of which we haven't seen since Reggie Bush played at USC. After sleepwalking through the second half of a season seemingly predestined for 19 victories, the Patriots struggled in the playoffs and suffered the greatest upset in Super Bowl history to the Giants, a victim of their own insufferable smugness.

Now the Saints have a good chance to match the record of that Patriots team, and in a poetic twist of fate, have to go through the Patriots themselves to do so. This may well be the most important regular season game in Saints history, and it's on national television tonight at 7:30. Whodat?

what'll i do when i don't have you, when i finally get what i deserve?

2009-11-23T10:56:00.004-06:00

--Sorry for the layoff. Blame it on my research paper (and the rain).

--A few very brief sports notes:

Les Miles lost me in a complete and abject way on Saturday. The worst display of in-game coaching I have ever, ever witnessed. Gary Crowton, who I was reluctant to turn on earlier in the season, is clearly hurting this team. I could write more about this, and probably will should we lose to Arkansas (something that can't be terribly unlikely after a loss like that).
In other news, Charlie Weis is toast, and UConn gets a tip of the cap from sentimental old me for it.
Is there any way that the NFC Championship won't be Saints-Vikings or that the AFC Championship won't be Colts-Pats? Belichick was right to go for it on 4th and 2, by the way, but why not run there?
A mock draft will be coming soon.
The Celtics look worn out, plain and simple. I don't know if it makes me sadder to see K.G. losing a step or Glenn Dorsey struggling in Kansas City.
The Hornets, meanwhile, knocked off the team with the best record with the West, the team with the best record in the East, and nearly the Heat on the road last night, despite having the league MVP sitting on the bench in (admittedly fresh) street clothes.
Also, boo Lakers. Boo forever.

--I caught up on The Office and Community recently. "Murder" is in contention with "Product Recall" for the funniest Office episode I've ever seen. Meanwhile Community is getting better ("Intro to Statistics" was excellent) and that Alison Brie is quite the minx.

--As you may know, there were at least five good movies this year, and they're starting to trickle into the dollar theater. You can expect reviews for movies like The Informant, Inglourious Basterds, and Tyler Perry: I Can Do Bad All by Myself here very soon.

--Which German song is your favorite?

--Bon Iver, Bonnie "Prince" Billy, and the Rural Alberta Advantage have been in heavy rotation for me lately, and they're throwing some kinks into my presumed Top 10.

--It's real to me, damn it!

found eighteen reasons i can't pick up on the phone.

2009-11-10T19:50:00.004-06:00

--Pretty close call on LSU, I'd say; I was there at the game, and I got my Psyduck on way later than I expected. Bama's defense didn't seem to have much of an answer for Jordan Jefferson's mobility, but Jordan Jefferson's ankles did, which, along with Patrick Peterson's cramps, killed the Tigers in that game. It was as much a loss to Gamblor, the fickle god of football fortune, as anything. As a rational fan I have to remind myself that, considering how low my hopes were for LSU's season after the Florida game, it'd be a huge win for stability to finish 11-2 (though with Arkansas and Ole Miss [giggity!] still on the schedule, no guarantees).

--Meanwhile, I'll be pulling for Bama from here on out. They played a very clean game against LSU despite the injuries, and I've got nothing but respect for their star players, especially Rolando McClain. Can't say the same for Florida or Texas.

--I swept the NFL picks, nearly going perfect on the Steelers-Broncos game. San Diego's passing attack shot the Giants' secondary dead when it mattered most, and Dallas won a (admitted more lo-fi than expected) game against Philly. The Colts did end up winning thanks to some dumb Schaub throws, and to those who say that the Texans got cheated on the questionable Ryan Moats fumble, two words: y'all jealous.

--Meanwhile, here's an update: the Patriots aren't for real. They're going to come back to earth as soon as they play the Colts (not pumped up for that game no not at all).

--YOU'RE WELCOME! DOUBLE YOU'RE WELCOME!

--Finally, a win for hustle and grit. Somewhere up there, Greg Paulus is smiling.

--Plus, a real dunk!

and satan is my motor (hear my motor purr).

2009-11-06T12:24:00.005-06:00

One college pick, since I don't care about Penn St.-Ohio St.:

LSU at Alabama: Both teams enter this game quite differently than they began the season. LSU stumbled out of the gate against Washington and had terrible offensive struggles against everyone they played, culminating the final, egregious goostomping against Florida. Bama meanwhile annihilated their competition, beginning with a statement (though gradually diminishing in prestige) game against Virginia Tech, the presumptive ACC favorite. Now, though, LSU is slowly beginning to find its offense again with some tweaks in playcalling (more I-formation, fewer options with Jefferson, smarter incorporation of Russell Shepard, more three-step passes) and the gradual maturation of Jordan Jefferson, who will face his greatest test against Bama's rightfully vaunted defense. Bama, on the other hand, just barely escaped a humiliating loss to Tennessee, who, though improving, are still one of the dregs of the SEC, and Macaroy is displaying decidedly non-Messianic trends for his offense.

Bama's success, as always, depends on the ability of its power run game to make life easy on McElroy. The first game where their stud running back didn't reach 100 yards, however, was against the first rush defense they played that was ranked in the top 70 nationally. LSU is 35th, and would be much higher if it weren't for the outlier at Washington. No player has benefited more from John Chavis' hiring as d-coordinator than Kelvin Sheppard, one of LSU's middle linebackers. Traditionally LSU's LBs have been either big safeties (Darry Beckwith) or designated pass rushers (Ali Highsmith), and they are much more well-rounded and disciplined as a unit with Chavis' coaching, especially Sheppard. Sheppard has proven that he can shed blocks, is a sure tackler, and flows almost as well to the ball as Bama's all-world ILB, Orlando McCain. He and his counterpart at OLB, Perry Riley, will have to have excellent days against Mark Ingram to keep Bama in check.

Meanwhile, Bama can't really afford to come out throwing like they did against Tennessee. LSU's secondary has transformed into one of the best in the country since the U-Dub fiasco (to my astonishment, I assure you), owing especially to the maturation of CB Patrick Peterson and FS Chad Jones. Both will see significant time against Bama's struggling all-star Julio Jones, and they rank among the few physical matches for Jones in the country. Should Bama's starting TE, Colin Peek, sit out this game, McElroy will have to start winning some battles all on his own, which in the past few weeks he has been incapable of doing.

Ultimately, I think that Bama's offense will continue to struggle, mainly due to the fact that LSU has depth and athleticism that Virginia Tech and Tennessee didn't have the luxury of playing with. LSU won't get worn down like Virginia Tech did, and while it doesn't have an Eric Berry, LSU's defense has more weapons across the board than Tennessee. I think the advantage has to go to LSU's defense here.

LSU's offense, however, has an appointment with the mangler that is Bama's defense. LSU's struggles running the ball appear to be improving, especially with the incorporation of more I-sets and Jefferson's improved ability to spread the field. Does this mean that LSU will be able to run against Bama? Almost certainly not. As I've stated before, the offenses that aren't consistently competent are consistently incompetent against confusing defenses like Alabama's. Should LSU be able to grind out consistent 3-5 yard gains like Tennessee did, however, that could easily be the difference in the game by keeping LSU's defense off the field.

LSU's wideouts, meanwhile, have a huge advantage against Bama's secondary. Not that Bama's secondary isn't good, but LSU's receiving corps is probably the best, top-to-bottom, in the country. Bama's diminutive corners will have to account for a ton of tall receivers with excellent hands, from the veteran Brandon LaFell to the freshman sensation Rueben Randle. LSU won't be able to run their patented bubble screens and short-outs against Bama's physical corners, but they ought to be able to win some key jump-ball opportunities. LSU's success will be completely predicated on out-freaking Bama's talent on the perimeters of the field.

The obvious key to this is a good day from Jordan Jefferson, which is certainly not a given. He has shown a bad habit of taking too many sacks despite having a good offensive line, which is a combination of being coached not to make dangerous throws and his confusion reading blitzing defenses. If Bama manages to cloak its blitzes off the edge with Arenas et al., Jefferson could be in for a long day, and Bama's risk-reward scheme will be all reward. If he continues to improve his decision-making and his budding understanding of complex defenses, however, as well as his accuracy on three-step drops, he could end up on the right side of the ledger against Bama, which so few QB's ever do. More likely, though, he'll struggle as he did against Florida, and the result will be Bama neutralizing its greatest weakness.

On a quick closing note, LSU's special teams has a statistical advantage over Bama's, despite Javier Arenas' dominance as a returner. Although this may seem like a cop-out, I truly believe that this game will hinge entirely on key turnovers, which both teams seem suspect of committing.

Prediction: I'd like to call this game 7-3, honestly, like an old-school LSU-Auburn game. Accounting for the big-play potential of the stars on each side, plus scores off turnovers, I'll inflate the score a little bit. Regardless, I'm picking LSU to win. Not as a homer pick (I picked Florida to win the last big LSU matchup, as you'll recall), I just think that LSU is hitting Bama at the right time and that if Bama hasn't made some big adjustments over the bye week, LSU is perfectly capable of pulling the upset. LSU wins, 23-20.

NFL picks:

SAN DIEGO at New York: New York's pass defense is abysmal outside of Corey Webster, and Eli Manning has been struggling lately against turnover defenses. Guess what San Diego's two greatest strengths are? San Diego wins on the road, 27-16.

Houston at INDY: Houston has a long and storied history of losing to the Colts, and I think they'll write another chapter this week. Why? Houston has recently had great offenses in terms of yards, but has always struggled with turnovers, usually from the two or three dumb passes Matt Schaub is always good for. Indy's defense, meanwhile, is designed to generate those turnovers, beginning with the pressure that their defensive line creates against Houston's sieve of an offensive line. On the other end, Peyton Manning will dominate a porous Houston secondary. This one might be closer than usual owing to some key turnovers, but the better team, Indy, remains undefeated at 30-23.

DALLAS at Philly: Philly has dominated the last couple of games, especially against the Giants. What they have yet to prove, however, is that they can truly account for the loss of Stewart Bradley at Mike LB. They pulled ahead quickly against the Giants' secondary and forced them to pass, but Dallas has the firepower on the perimeter with Miles Austin and in the backfield with their stable of stud RBs to diversify the Eagles' defensive focus. Dallas wins in a shootout, 35-30.

PITTSBURGH at Denver: Can we officially declare the Broncos back on track to mediocrity? Kyle Orton isn't a terrible quarterback, but if you can't threaten deep against Pittsburgh's secondary, you will regret it. Most of the Broncos' offensive success came from teams playing off of Brandon Marshall and letting him make plays in space, a mistake I can't imagine Dick LeBeau making. Meanwhile, Denver's smoke-and-mirrors defense got exposed by Baltimore's offense, and Joe Flacco, with his strong arm and tendency to extend plays, is really just a diet Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh wins, 24-10.

work well with nines, a.k.'s, and techs.

2009-11-03T17:52:00.005-06:00

--The NBA's back, yo, along with the excellent The Basketball Jones podcast.

The C's look about as good as they did in their championship run. Their depth is ridiculous, Sheed (BALL DON'T LIE!) looks like he belongs there, and they're the best team in the league if Doc can manage the vets' minutes.
Their biggest competition? The Magic, whose much-touted offseason moves appear to be working out.
Phoenix, San Antonio, and Denver, meanwhile, look like they can keep pace with the Pau-less Lakers in the West.
Jason Maxiell eats babies. Not necessarily relevant, but it's always relevant.
LeBron James may be better, but Dwyane Wade is actually fun to watch.
The Knicks, Nets, and OKC fit roundly into the "not good, but a hell of a lot of fun" category.
My Hornets, unfortunately, fit into the "not good, and agony to watch" category. Chris Paul is playing at an absurdly high level, and the team's still 1-3 against the bottom of the NBA barrel. Hope, baby, hope.

--Football, you say?

I was in the ATL (where the dirty be found, I hear) over the weekend, so I didn't get to make any predictions. In all likelihood I only would've made NFL predictions, because of how roundly uninteresting the college matchups were (if you didn't see that USC loss coming, you are lacking in judgment!!!).
For one thing, I would've picked Minnesota to beat the Pack. Green Bay's o-line has got to be in the running for worst in the league at pass protection, and Minny's d-line is still playing very well. Though I'd like to, I won't shortchange Favre; he was excellent, as he has been thus far all season.
Baltimore-Denver was another interesting matchup, and again I would've correctly predicted the winner. Denver's inability to threaten deep (an option the Ravens left open to Orton all game) really cost them, and Orton's limitations could signal the beginning of a precipitous decline for the team.
Colts-San Fran was unexpectedly tight; the Colts' run defense was, for a little while anyway, reminiscent of the 2006 regular season. Meanwhile the rush offense is as plainly ineffective as it's been the past year and a half. We need Gonzalez back, ASAP.
New Orleans' win over Atlanta was also a lot tighter than I expected, although it hinged on some pretty lucky plays for Atlanta (Brees' fumble-TD, the no-call on the Roddy White TD). Some cracks in the Saints' facade are beginning to reveal themselves, but the team's responded well to adversity so far and is still the class of the league.
Sorry if I ever said anything mean about you, Ted Ginn.

--As for the rest of this week's schedule, I'll have an extended preview of LSU-Bama along with some predictions and an album review.